The World Should Be Moisturized

Wedding Planning

2011-06-07T14:52:00.002-06:00

Hi!

I know, it's been at least 7 months since my last confession. I have been busy holiday-ing, and shit.

We had Christmas, and then I went to Mexico in February, then to Phoenix in March, and Jamaica in April. May was a write off, what with Mother's Day and my birthday and all. So now it's June and we had engagement photos done so I figure I should give you an update.

The wedding planning is coming along quite nicely. I have to say, having wedding planners is the best thing ever for me. I don't know what I would do without them. I kid, I totally know what I would do without them. I'd lose my shit....all the time.

My type A-ness has ran away from me in this whole process. Seriously! I can't make quick decisions for our wedding if my life depended on it! If I'm presented with too many options I want to sit in my ~~tacky sliding mirrored~~ closet, and whimper. I am afraid to make a wedding decision for fear that it will ruin the whole wedding! Like, what if that spice orange table runner wrecks my whole wedding day?! And, how am I supposed to know what flavour of cupcakes I should choose? I tried on 56 dresses and liked 52 of them! How should I wear my hair? I don't know. Stop asking me! lalalalala!

Christian chose our wedding song (and the cupcake flavours, thank gawd), and then I signed us up for ballroom dance lessons.

The week before we went for our first dance lesson, I reminded him a few times ~~23 times~~ that he was responsible for bringing the music. I told him to bring a disc, an iPod, or a thumb drive with our song on it. I didn't care how, just bring it.

Prelude:
This might be too much information for some of you, and for others, it might make you mad. You may have been put in this situation before, and you know my pain. Christian's bowels only work when we are at Costco, or almost to Costco, or when we are late, or when we are on our way out the door, or when he is late for hockey and his friend is picking him up. ~~or when his family is waiting for him because he slept in too long and then he makes them wait even longer by camping in the bathroom~~ . Anycrap, (haha pun intended!) his timing is impeccable.

Our first dance lesson was no exception. We pull up to the studio, in separate cars because he has hockey that night, and as soon as I get out of my car he says "I need a bathroom, now!" . We enter ~~he races into~~ the studio, and he asks the instructor to direct him to a bathroom (luckily we are 10 mins early, unfortunately the bathroom is right off the foyer of the studio behind a thin hollow core door). I enter into a lovely conversation with our dance instructor. We discuss the wedding song, and I mention that Christian has chosen the song and it is on his iPod and we are excited about the song and blah blah blah. I continue to awkwardly blather on about wedding details and she pretends that she's interested (and that she doesn't know that we are waiting for him to finish his dump), all while I continue to pretend that I'm not mortified.

He finally comes out, 10 mins later.

Instructor- So I hear you are in charge of the wedding song!
Him-Haaaaegghghghgh, ya! (Looks at me) Didn't you get the text I just sent you?
Me-Um, no. (thinking to myself "You moron! You think I'm reading your toilet texts!?")
Him- Ya, I sent you a text. I forgot my iPod.

*insert mad face here*

We dance, and we leave.

Once we are outside I tell him that I am going to have to start blogging again.

Him- Why?
Me- I need to blog about our first dance lesson. The one where you arrive and deflower their bathroom, and you forgot the wedding music.

Mmhmm!

2011-02-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

Tales of Jealousy

2010-11-24T08:38:00.005-07:00

I took Christian to the airport on Monday morning, at 5am. He is in PHX now with his parents and his sister (and I am at home pouting!).

I had been trying to fool myself, for the last month, into believing that I wouldn't be absolutely green with envy the whole time.

Me: Oh, it's going to be so fun to be on my own! The nights I don't have Vance I'll lounge around the house and paint my toe nails and eat chocolate. ~~and there won't be any farting noises or crumbs all over the coffee table, and I won't have to hide my food at the back of the fridge!~~

Reality= I've shoveled 3 times in the 48 hrs that he's been gone, and it's still snowing. The garage door wouldn't close last night because it's -50 bazillion degrees outside. I almost got hypothermia in the middle of the night (because I'm a cheap ass and turn the furnace down really looow at night) without Christian's body heat to keep me warm. There is no paint on my toe nails, AND, I have checked AirCanada.com 43 times to see if I can find a cheap flight to Mexico for one.

I suck at being a single!

(in the winter months.)

I'm the laziest blogger ever.

2010-10-28T09:33:00.002-06:00

Christian and I got engaged on Tuesday night! It was a throwback to the old "dating" days for us. We went out for dinner at this quaint little Mexican place near our house. The only "white" wine they had was chardonnay and white zinfandel (if you can call that wine). So we each had a glass of the latter, because everyone knows chardonnay is disgusting. AmIright?

Anycrap, (oh, I missed that word!) we drank the cheap pink wine just like we used to when we first started dating 3 years ago. It brought back memories of us sitting on my couch, playing guitar hero or listening to music through the tv, into the wee hours of the morning. After dinner, Christian stopped and picked up a couple more bottles of wine. (This time it was a ~~cheap~~ riesling-so much better and sophisticated, amIright?!)

We went home, listened to music through our tv in our house while sitting on our couch, and continued the drinking of the wine. My ears turned bright red (just like they do almost everytime I drink wine) and then he popped the question. I think he was a bit nervous, ~~were you honey?~~ , as he forgot to get down on one knee. To be fair, though, I didn't even notice!

My ring is gorgeous!

PS. Vance grinned from ear to ear when I told him.

Oh hey, how's it going?

2010-07-23T10:07:00.004-06:00

I haven't had much to say lately. I think my mind is too full of ~~bullshit~~ life, and it consumes all my mind space. This blog is just another thing to ~~suck the life out of me~~ do.

But as I was sitting outside on Wednesday at midnight, on my cold front step in my pink fuzzy robe -completely naked underneath- I thought to myself "Holy shit, if this isn't blog material, I don't know what is!"

You see, some of my family was set to arrive the following day. That means, my house needs to be ~~immaculate~~ clean for their arrival. (Hi My Name Type A) That also means that I was running on my treadmill at 10:00pm, vacuuming and dusting and cleaning mirrors at 11:00pm, showering at 11:14pm, doing laundry at 11:30pm, organizing my bathroom at 11:45pm and "HOLY SHIT I SHOULD EMPTY THE GARBAGES SINCE ITS GARBAGE DAY TOMORROW!"

This is how I ended up on my front step at midnight. Vance was sleeping and Christian had a late hockey game. I locked myself out of the house taking the garbage to the curb. (Don't ask me how I did it, internets! Unless you want me to karate chop you in the neck.)

I didn't have my cell phone and I was half naked so I didn't want to knock on my neighbours doors to ask to use their phones. I didn't even have a chance to brush my hair before I exited the house!

I rang my door bell in hopes that I might wake my child a bit, and then I stood outside his open window and called out his name. Mother of the year award, right here please!

Nothing. I had no way to get in, so I grabbed a lawn chair cushion and covered my legs and hunkered down for a long wait on my front step. Of course, Christian was done playing hockey around the time I locked myself out. Perfect! Except for the part where he takes his sweet time showering and then sits around~~naked~~ in the boys room drinking beer after beer until he finally feels like coming home.

While I was sitting outside, I was trying to communicate with him through telepathy. I was sweet at first;

"Honey, I need you to come home and let me in the house please!"

"Sweets, tell your friends you need to go home now and leave the rink!"

Then it was more like this;

"You asshole, put the beer down and come home and open the effin door!"

"Maybe you should stay out all night, you're probably safer!"

By the time he arrived home, it was 1:30am. I had been outside for almost two hours. I aquired 23 new mosquito bites, I saw 12 bats, a falling star and only one car drove down my street the entire time. My tailbone was numb, my feet were cold and I almost peed on my own lawn.

And because I am a freak, I picked weeds.

Big Talk

2010-06-16T10:44:00.005-06:00

I'm running another 10K this year. It's in less than two weeks. I feel like a need a re-do of last years wet and windy first 10K.

I'm looking forward to this event. It's bigger and promises to be more entertaining than the small run I participated in last year. They even have a No K Beer-athon. (Perfect for Christian.) Afterwards there is a bbq for participants and their families and stuff to do for kids!

So I've been training for this run for the last couple of months and forcing myself to do some of my runs outside, even though it means I don't get to watch TV while I run. Torture! I am so not a "I just love running outside and looking at trees and seeing birds flying around... " kind of runner. When I run outside, I feel anger. I start to hate the fucking trees and the stupid birds and all the ugly children in my way. Serious! It's not pretty, so most of my runs consist of me on my beloved treadmill, watching Cougar Town, or The Middle(holy shit you guys, this show makes me pee in my pants-on the treadmill!), or Parenthood (because this shit combines two leading actors from my two most favourite shows of all time!) all the while forgetting I'm actually running. Hmm..What does that mean, I wonder?

Anycrap, last night I asked Christian to ride the bike while I ran outside. This way he could carry my water bottle and I wouldn't die of dehydration or boredom. It went well (except for the idiotic comments-see below) and I didn't feel like kicking a puppy as much as I normally would. Yay me!

Me-Next time you should run with me!
Him- Ya, but then I'd have to run slow.
Me-I am running slow.
Me-Oh! Wait a minute! You mean you'd have to run slow because I'm so slow?
Him-hee-hee.
Me-You think you can run 10k, and not walk the whole time, at a much faster pace than me? Pfff..right. Well after I'm done my race, you're on!
Him-Ok, you'll have to give me the route so that I know where I am going, since Ill be so far ahead of you!

What a jerk, right?

Christian's big endurance activities include skating as fast as he can for 3 minutes and then drinking a beer and taking loooong naps on the couch at the lake at 7pm, and then drinking a beer! And what about endurance drinking? That counts!

You're on, honey. You're on!

Stay tuned.....

Bring on the Summer!

2010-05-17T13:52:00.010-06:00

We went to the lake this weekend.

Our good friends joined us, and we took off Saturday afternoon after everything that needed to be done, was done.

Swimming lessons-CHECK!
Train for 10K by running on treadmill-CHECK!
Feed the boy-CHECK!
Deliver the boy to his Dad's-CHECK!
Make grocery list-CHECK!
Tell Christian to pack-CHECK!
Get in car and drive one block before Christian has a hissy fit because he can't find his sunglasses and he's assumed that I've hidden them on him-CHECK!
Turn around and go back to the house for sunglasses, go inside (while mumbling that the sunglasses are probably in his bag)-CHECK!
Get inside the house and hear Christian honking from the car because he found his effin sunglasses in his bag- CHECK
Drive away again. Giggle together about Christian's Man Eye- CHECK!
Ask Christian "Hey, you've got the key to the cabin, right?"- CHECK!
Drive back to the house, again, because Christian doesn't have the key- CHECK!
Finally, back out of the driveway for the last time and hit the road to the lake-CHECK!

Arrive at the lake, and ~~guzzle~~ drink a beer before even opening the door to the cabin- CHECK!

Ahhhhh, it was so relaxing and the weather was perfect and the lake was glass and there was no wind and the ~~straight vodka~~ beer was delish and the food was fantastic and the friends were lovely.

So was my new hoodie (thanks to JLe and MLe-Woot!), that I christened that night on the deck.

I so didn't want to come home!

He says it's 4 inches thick!

2010-05-06T11:04:00.009-06:00

My wallet, that is. (dirty, dirty, dirty!)

The funny part? I only have a twoonie in it***. (For all you US of Americans, that's a two dollar
coin. That's right, we don't have paper money here.)

Tool is coming to Saskatchewan! Christian loves Tool ~~more than he loves me~~ . The shit part is that they are playing in ~~a cesspool~~ Regina, a city that is about 3 hours from here, but we're still gonna go! Anycrap, tickets go on sale tomorrow, and if you have an American Express card you can use the Front of the Line option. Sweet! I have one of those. Except, I have never used it. (Costco charges my membership fee to it once a year.) So I don't exactly know were the card is (whatevs, don't judge me!).

So, I call American Express on the phone;

Me-Hi, I don't have my card but I have my account number.
Her-Ok, you must answer eleven billionty questions first.
Me-Sure.

I answer a bunch of security questions. Then;

Her-Ok, so I cancelled your card and you'll get a new one in 10 days.
Me-Uh, but I was just calling to see if you would tell me the expiry date so that I could use it tomorrow.
Her-Oh, sorry, well I cancelled it and you'll have to wait 10 days for the new one before you can use it again.
Me-You totally just screwed up my whole plan.
Her- ~~mwuuhahaha!~~ Uh, like, sorry.
Me- Fine, cancel the whole thing! I don't want it anymore! No more American Express Card for ME!
Her-(insert snotty-valley girl voice here) Well, fine then. It's like, totally, been cancelled.

*** list of wallet content that is not money; (because I don't have room for money, obvs)
Bank Card
Bank Visa
Shoppers Optimum Card
Scene Card
HBC Credit Card
HBC Rewards Card
Sears Credit Card
CosmoProf Membership Card
Drivers License
Car Registration
Health Card- Mine
Health Card- The kid's
Airmiles
Safeway Card
Costco Card
Library Card
ESP Card
Insurance Carrier Card x2
United Furniture Warehouse Card
Children's Place Card
Cosmetology JourneyPerson Certificate
Business Card x5

Christian seemed appalled by this list. (What he doesn't know is that I have 46 more cards at home.)

Mwuuhahahaha!

The Boy

2010-04-30T08:56:00.007-06:00

Sometime in January, the boy became absolutely obsessed with hockey. He had been on his hockey team since the fall, and spent the previous spring in a hockey skills program, so it wasnt exactly new to him.

Sometime in January his hockey team went to go see the Saskatoon Blades play, and the following morning they got to play a game on that ice. That was serious business for those boys.

Ever since then, obsessed.

Hockey is all he does, all he thinks about, all he talks about.

Him- Mom, did you know that so and so has home advantage tonight?
Me- Really?
Him- Ya, and they beat so and so 4 to 3 and now they are going to play so and so.
Me-Cool.
Him- blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Me-Ya.
Him-Mom, do you like Ovechkin?
Me- Sure.
Him- WHAT? How can you like Ovechkin, Mom?
Me- Uh..oh..who's Ovechkin?
Him- sigh.

We've got mini sticks, to street hockey, to Xbox NHL. He got a group of kids to play in the gym everyday at his before and after school program, and tells me that the Mr Morning Janitor plays with them even.

We talk about Toronto and Calgary and how he hates Ottawa. (A lot of the stuff he says comes straight from his Dad's mouth as well as Christian's. It's like "deja vu" for me, every day!) His Dad is a big Toronto fan and Christian is a big Calgary fan. I informed both of these men in his life, that Vance is allowed to cheer for whomever he wants. I also told Vance that he can cheer for as many teams as he wants and if he wants to cheer for both Toronto AND Calgary, so be it.

The end.

It's been one month since my last confession....

2010-04-13T14:20:00.004-06:00

Holy crap!

I haven't blogged in almost a month.

Christian didn't drink for a month.

Coincidence? I doubt it. (What would I blog about with out my man sized blog fodder? Love you, honey!)

We celebrated him being off the wagon by jumping off of it at 100 miles an hour. Seriously internets. It really hurt.

Yeah, but no, but yeah, but* we did have a really super fun time. We started the evening off at the rink watching Christian play hockey. This was followed by three friends joining us at our place for the evening. We drank vodka and diet pepsi and Redbull and we danced in the living room to country, dance, rap, rock'n roll and pop. Really loud.

Everyone tried to teach me how to two step. Who can't two step you say? Me! I can only polka. Really fast. (Shut up! So what if it's not really the polka. At least I try, right?)

I was the first person to throw in the towel. I woke up to the stereo blasting some Richard Cheese at 7am. Everyone went to bed and left the stereo on. (Two of our guests stayed, ya know, cause we're responsible grown ups. )

Who leaves the stereo on and goes to bed? **cough Christian does!**

*Have any of you watched Little Brittain?

If so, have you ever wanted to ask a British person to say "Compu-ta says nooooo."? I have, and I did ask, and he wouldn't do it for me. Pff.

I forgot to RRROLL!

2010-03-17T16:00:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure that I threw away a whole Toyota, yesterday.

"Today, I have special deal. Only for you."

2010-03-16T12:45:00.008-06:00

Karama is a pretty slummy area in Dubai that is filled with shops upon shops of knock off items. I love it there because I love to barter. Each store is part of a strip mall with 30 more stores. Above the stores are apartments. Half the fun is listening to all the store clerks list off all the name brands they have. They make suggestions to you as you walk past their stores. "Ma'am you need sunglasses?" Then they spew out all the brands so fast, making it possible to understand only a few of the words. Gucci, Louis V, Burberry, Berkin, Juicy, etc.

We went to my favourite shop. The same one that my step Mom took me to 5 years ago on my last trip. Bags weren't as nice as they are now. Seems as though they have really perfected their immitation skills!

I had a plan. I was going to splurge on a really nice leather bag. At the back of the store, there is a secret door. Once they know you are interested, they take you through that secret door. There is a stairwell behind that secret door. From there, there are 3 more doors that lead to secret rooms FULL of beautiful leather handbags.

We looked behind all three doors before I decided on a black Louis V. I really loved it, but I didn't love the big price tag on it. So I started to barter with the guy. Meanwhile, Vance and Christian and my Dad are all waiting outside.

Vance was getting impatient. So was my Dad. Christian knew better. Good thing I had that guest phone so my Dad could call and hang up a few times and text me and say "Your son is bored." It actually helped with my banter. "Sorry, my son needs me. I don't like your bag enough to pay that much! No deal!"

I was about to leave without the bag because I wasn't going to budge on 40 more dirhams. That's when my step Mom said "I'll pay the extra 40 dirhams for your bag. Please buy it." (Hmm..do you think she was tired of the "Lindsey-shopping" experience?) I would have left without that bag too. I wasn't going to pay that extra 40 dhs. Ya, it was all about my ego at that point, because 40 dirhams is only about 12 bucks Canadian. Ha! (Ps. Thanks Tracy!)

When we met up with the men, Christian told me what Vance had said while they were sitting outside waiting.

"Women like to go shopping and buy things so that other women will be jealous of them and want to go buy those things too."

Smart boy.

Homer Simpson is my kid's roll model.

2010-03-09T07:43:00.005-07:00

Vance has become quite addicted to watching The Simpsons. Seems innocent enough, although probably not quite age appropriate, but it is a cartoon afterall. Right? Anycrap, he likes watching The Simpsons with Christian. It's their thing.

So we converted about 6 episodes and plunked them onto my iPod Touch for our travels across the globe. I knew I would be able to sit Vance in the airport, in Germany with my iPod and he'd be entertained for at least a few minutes so that Mommy could ~~pop a Xanax~~ close her eyes.

I am a little ashamed to say that he watched those 6 episodes about 76 times each over the course of our two week trip.

They iPod was great for some of the down time at Gramma and Grampa's house, since they don't have cable.

I really wasn't expecting anything bad to come of it, but it seems that he's picked up some Homerisms.

We were at the food court in the Marina Mall in Abu Dhabi. (Please note that there are NO service people with white skin in this country.) We just finished ordering him some food from Popeye's and us some food from a little Indian joint.

We proceed to walk away and it goes like this;

Him-Welp, there goes another job lost to the foreigners!
Me-VANCE! Why would you say that? Where did you hear that?
Him-(a little sheepish) But Mom, that's what Homer says.

Oops.

Please forward all my "Mother of the Year" awards to Iamdumbass@hotmail.com.

I Love Vacations

2010-03-02T08:10:00.006-07:00

We're home, and almost over the jet lag!

We left on Feb 14th to spend two weeks with the parentals that live in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates. It was a lovely trip and we were spoiled. I only wish there was some way to teleport there, eff this flying business! It's depressing that you walk through the first class and business class sections of the plane first. It makes me twitch, seeing those people with their giant seats and their champagne and their fancier newspapers and their menus and arggggg..

AnycrapImjealousoffirstclass, our trip to AD included 3 different planes. This was very exciting for the boy as this was his first time on an airplane (that he could remember). Turns out he is an amazing little traveler boy. I think he's hooked.

We flew to Germany, spent a few hours in the aiport and then to Abu Dhabi. The whole trip was about 24 hours. Vance was so good. I'm pretty impressed with his travelling skillz. He travels better than I do! ~~Christian was more annoying than he was!~~

The experiences that he had over there were way better than that week of school he missed! He met people from all over the planet, and mapped them out on the globe that Gramma brought out for him. I love how immersed he was when we were there, he hardly noticed the women in abayas, or that we were the only westerners eating in the Karachi Dar Bar that was full of single men from from Pakistan and India.

He did, however, notice that woman at the grocery store who was completely covered. She didn't even have an eye slit. She had a black scarf covering her eyes. So when Vance saw her, he kind of bumped into her then stopped and stared up. I think he assumed that because he couldn't see her eyes, that she couldn't see him. He came running back to me and at full volume announced that she had no eyes all while pointing at her. Oops. At least he didn't call her a ninja or a shadow trooper!

Here's me in my abaya when we went to the Sheikh Zayed Mosque. It was at least 30C that day. I am so glad I don't have to wear something like that everyday!

I stepped in dog shit, but I'm going somewhere warm so I don't care!

2010-02-12T08:06:00.005-07:00

So my Mom came for dinner the other night and with my mom comes her dog. It's a good thing that little fluff ball, called Bella, is cute because she left a present in Vance's room. I had just finished painting my toe nails while Vance was in the tub. We headed to his bedroom to start the reading and the tuck in process. I went to sit down on Vance's bed when I felt an awful, cold, squishy substance between my toes. I actually screamed and flung my foot. It was disgusting and it is so much worse when it's not your own dog's crap. Kinda like how it's so much more disgusting changing a diaper when it's not your own child. Know what I'm saying?

Anycrap (ha), we're off to Abu Dhabi on Sunday. Two more sleeps. Can't wait. It will take us 22ish hours to get there.

We started watching Lost on Wednesday night. Probably not the best show to start before you are gearing up for a trip that includes flying for hours on end.

Man Eye.

2010-01-28T08:51:00.004-07:00

I think I'm going to add this to Urban Dictionary, because this ain't nothin' new, internets.

It would go a little something like this.

Man Eye

A disorder that causes men "object" blindness. He becomes blind to the object that he is looking for, even when the item is 8 inches from his face. It is impossible to see said item, because the man eye blocks it from his vision.

Example: When Christian looks in the fridge, he asks where the mustard is even when it is right in front of his face because he has "Man eye".

You're lucky my cell phone camera is broken!

2010-01-27T09:27:00.008-07:00

My skin is crawling, peeps!

Part of my job includes receiving boxes of faulty equipment from customers all over the world. Sometimes they come in and have bird shit on them but today, when I opened the box, there were spiders crawling all over the place. I shrieked , and then I grabbed my tape gun and taped the box back up. The box came from Ontario. At least it wasn't from some African or Asian country, but STILL! Spiders! (stops typing to scratch knee)

(OMG, is there one in my hair?)

After safely ~~kicking~~ moving the box as far away from my office as possible, I called up The Equipment Coordinator guy, oh ya, you guys remember him. He's the dink that started the flip flop war with me a couple of times (But I won! Na-na-na-boo-boo.). Well, wouldn't ya know it, he's also the bird feces cleaner, the blood wiper upper, and the crawly spider remover guy. (I won't even tell you about the blood, cause that's just sick yo.)

ohgrossIcantstopscratching!

Anycrap, he comes upstairs and I point at the infectious material. He tells me I'm a quick thinker for taping it back up so quickly. Uh, whatev..I could care less about everyone else here, but seriously, there ain't gonna be no spiders on ME! (Love me some grammar!)

Well, he just returned 5 mins ago, with this little vile filled with 54 6 spiders! They were still alive. He plucked them out with his tweezers and put them in a container.

The unit in question has been sprayed with bug killer into the connectors and is now sitting outside in -20C. He will have to bring it in later and open the unit up to see if there are more inside. I think this is weird, the unit came from Ontario..so its cold there too, right? I'm sure it was cold at some point in its shipping process also. SO WHY WERE THEY STILL ALIVE?

My Gramma Mort

2010-01-25T15:55:00.003-07:00

Im back from Moose Jaw today. I was there because my Grandma passed away a week ago today. We had her service on Friday and my sisters and I sang "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion (we actually got through it without tears!). The rest of the service was lovely, but it was also so very hard to get through. My sister and I, and our two male cousins also stood up front and paid tribute to Grandma. The boys did an amazing job of making us laugh and cry.

My Gramma Mort was a really cool lady and will be very missed. It was sad driving away from Moose Jaw today, she was the reason we all came together in that town. She would have been so pleased that we had loads of family time, and that we ate our weight in food.

Saturday night there was a huge blizzard that pretty much covered the whole province. We woke up Sunday and my dad said, "You aren't going anywhere!" He had tried to go to the store and got stuck, and had to be towed back up the street and leave his rental car at the mall close to where we were staying and then hoof it back to the house.

We were so very lucky to stay at some friend's of my parent's. They are in Brazil and gave us their large and lovely house to use. (While there, beer was spilled on the carpet, a candle holder broken and then super glued back together, a xmas gift was opened by a gaggle of 6 year olds all hopped up on sugar and then re-wrapped in newly purchased Sponge Bob wrapping paper. Oy!) Lots of laundry and cleaning happened over the last two days! If it wasn't for their house, we would have been all over the place in various hotels.

It seems strange to have just spent five days with my Dad and step Mom, because we fly out in less than three weeks to see them in Abu Dhabi.

I can't wait to get out of this snowy, snowy city!

Po-Po

2010-01-04T10:41:00.005-07:00

So today was the first day back at work after Christmas holidays (except for that one day in between that I ~~watched TV online~~ worked.)

I took Vance to school, waited in line at Timmy Ho's for a big cup of double double (with sweetner, not sugar!), and continued on my way to work.

I'm waiting at a red light when all of a sudden there are police lights behind me, I think to myself "Self, are those lights for you? Hmm... I'll just pull to the right and see. Oh! They are! What the hell?"

Cop- Can I have your license and registration please?
Me-Yes, why am I being pulled over?
Cop- Your plates don't look valid.
Me- Well, they are, I just put new stickers on two days ago- a month early even.
Cop- Did you know that it is against two laws to throw a burning cigarette out of your window?
Me-No, I did not know that. I didn't want to be blowing smoke at you.
Cop-K, well I'm gonna ask you to get out and pick it up.

Ok, yes, I'm sorry if I have dissapointed some of you ~~not really~~ but I smoke. There, I said it. Anycrap, I sometimes smoke on my way to work (with the windows open and I only do it when I know my kid won't be in the car for a long time and shut up if you are going to lecture me because no one likes a prissy pants lecturer!).

So ya, I didn't know what to do with that cigarette, I mean, I could have opened my door and butted it out, but he may have yelled at me to get back in my car or put my hands up or to get on the ground! I don't know! So I just dropped it out my non moving vehicle onto the snow covered road where it could do no harm. How embarrassing to have to get out and pick it up (I threw it back out the window later-when he was long gone- just to spite him. I know, so defiant of me!). So he watches me pick it up and get back in my car, and then he goes and stares at the back of my car again for a few more mins. He comes back to my window, hands me my license and says "Take care ma'am."

Me-Ma'am? No you take care, ass wipe! Thanks for ruining my morning, and wasting my time. Don't worry about the jerk that is shooting meth on the street two blocks over, or pimping out some 15 year old high school drop out. Stop the hockey mom with valid license plates that is minding her own biznass on her way to work.

Ok, so maybe I didn't say the last part, but I seriously wanted to.

Pft. Happy New Year.

80085

2009-12-18T13:08:00.013-07:00

So Christian and I spent last weekend going to work Christmas parties. His was Friday night and mine was Saturday night.

Christian's party was enjoyable. We took a taxi there and were given vouchers to take a taxi home. They had an open bar (woot) and good food. I met some of his coworkers, and it was nice to put a face to the names.

My party was better, not because of the 5 dollar drinks or because of the food, but because we won tickets to a World Junior Hockey game, AND a 32G iTouch with a 50 dollar iTunes gift card. (and no, it has nothing to do with my boobage that night!)

I was surfing through the social committee photos today (that everyone in the company can see!). I star in a few. They are all strange, though.

The best is this one,

Don't bother trying to figure out which one is me. Just look for some boobs. You can see more of my boobs than anything else. Ugh. Which brings me to this question. How is a busty girl to know how much cleavage is too much cleavage? I always end up hating the pictures of me when my tops are exposing too much, but it doesn't stop me from buying those tops or dresses in the future. (I know! What the?) So Im thinking that what I need is a tit scanner of some sort. That way before I leave the house I'd get "Beep! Try again later." Then I could go back upstairs and start ~~the fucked up task of picking an outfit~~ over.
Instead I have Christian.

Me-Honey, do you think my boobs are showing too much?

Christian- No, show more.

(See, not helpful.)

Anywho, this is a nice picture of us sitting at the table, right?

No. All I see here is sweater meat. ~~and the alarming grip that Christian has on my arm~~

Help a girl out, will ya? Do you think I look like a high class (shut up!) hooker, or a classy adminitrative assistant at her Christmas party?

Be honest, I can take it.

~~No, I can't!~~

K, check out this beaut. (at least it makes me laugh!) I told the stupid photographer guy to delete it right after he took it, what a bastard.

This is my legacy. Tits and ass face.

Question?

2009-12-17T13:38:00.001-07:00

Why do short guys always have flood pants?

It fell out.

2009-12-10T10:39:00.004-07:00

Yesterday when I got to Vance's school to pick him up, as usual he was not happy that I was there yet. He was happily sitting with a big ole bucket of K'Nex (screw you walmart and ToysRus for not letting me find the big red box of K'nex to buy him for Christmas) until he saw me, then his smile turned upside down. Melts my mommy heart, really. Ok, that was sarcasm, but it would be nice if he was actually excited to see me every once in a while.

Anywho, so I knelt down and was talking to him while he was cleaning up the toys. He seemed to be talking funny.

Me- Vance, did something happen with your mouth today? You seem to be talking strange.
Him-Yes. When we leave, can we go to the back door so I can show you what happened outside.
Me- Did you put your tongue on a pole outside?
Him-Yes. By accident.
Me-How do you accidently put your tongue on a pole?
Him- I was playing outside and I put my head down on the blue pole and my tongue fell out.
Me- (laughing inside) Your tongue fell out?
Him- Ya!
Me-Does your teacher know?
Him-Yes, the outside teacher brought me to the bathroom where I spit out the blood and then she took me to my teacher and told her.
Me-Was Mrs. Teacher upset about it or worried?
Him-Oh no. She just told me not to do it again.
Me-Did you learn your lesson?
Him-Yes, I'm never going to do that again.
Me- Good.
Him-Veronica did it once before, too!

Funny how he saw another kid do it, but still decided to do it himself.

He was still talking funny this morning.

Baby, it's cold outside!

2009-12-09T08:18:00.017-07:00

I totally hate winter. It's like -100 celcius here right now. Shit just doesn't work well when it's this cold. I have to pee every 13 mins (what's up with that?). My hands are so dry, they look like this.

I have to wear socks and shoes and my poor feet feel like they are in some kind of shoe prison. I think my parents screwed up. I was supposed to be born somewhere warm. I'm sure I came out with flip flops on! Non?

Anycrap, I've told Christian that for the sake of my sanity, we will need to vacation every year. I need to leave this winter hell at least once a year. I need that to look forward to, otherwise it's just so bleak and depressing. (Ya, I probably need more vitamin D hey?) Whatevs.

The good news is that we (Vance too!) are going to the UAE in February. It will be warm there! My Pops and Step-Ma live there. It's been 5 years since my last visit, and 10 since my first visit! I'm super pumped. Right now they live in Abu Dhabi, last time they were in Dubai. Both are great to visit, and not too far from each other.

Below are some photos of places I've seen or want to see when we go.

and this is something that I will not do......

You wanna know about me?

2009-11-25T09:04:00.007-07:00

I met my ex husband when I was 19. A mutual friend kind of set us up and I will always remember what he said to me.

"He is the most loyal person you will ever meet and he will treat you like gold."

I was sold.

I was sold because the last guy I dated was my high school ~~asshole~~ sweetheart, and he cheated one me. He was my first everything, I met him early on in high school and we became an item before I turned 16. Yup, I was one of those married girls in high school. It was amazing for the first 2 years-ish. Our relationship was full of puppy love and happiness and I could tell him everything. I'm sure you think I was just a naive teenager, and I can agree with that, but it felt good. We grew up together, but in the end we mostly grew apart. The problem with that was that we didn't know how to be apart because everything in our world was so intertwined. Turns out he cheated on me constantly. I went through some really turbulent times with him. Deep down I knew he was cheating on me, and so did everyone else, but it was impossible for me to accept that for quite some time. When I finally did, I told him to hit the road. He begged and cried and I cried too. Thank Christ I didn't end up married to him!

So back to the ex-husband. He did seem really loyal and he did treat me well and gosh darn it, he was loyal. Not a cheater! (right?) Unfortunately he needed a caregiver more than he needed a wife or a best friend. We weren't best friends and that wasn't what marriage was supposed to be like. But how was I supposed to know? I signed up for that, I said yes, I walked down that path. I thought I had made my bed and that I would have to lie in it. He needed me. He needed me to do everything, and I did. I wasn't me. I couldn't be. I couldn't come home and cry on his shoulder because his shoulder wasn't tough enough. He had mental and physical illness that trumped any bad day I was ever having. The repercussions of my bad day were just not worth it, so I always sucked it up or even worse, bottled it up. I bottled that shit for years and years.

He cheated on me while I was pregnant and he never owned it. Even with hard evidence in front of his face he wouldn't admit it. I had a three month baby and a lot of debt to handle. I chose to bottle it. Fine, asshole, don't admit it, Ill just bottle it up.

All that drama went to the very back of my brain into a deep abyss of nothingness. I still can't remember all the details because I did such a good job of pretending. It was gone, all so I could protect myself.

Eventually that bottle over flows and becomes a big nasty mess. I was miserable. I finally realized that just because I signed up for this doesn't mean I deserve it. I would not be a failure if I ended the marriage. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done. Once I told him it was over, he was willing to do whatever it took. It was too late though, I resented him beyond explanation. I was jealous of characters on TV that were getting a divorce. I wanted a divorce. I wanted myself.

Turns out, myself isn't always so perfect. Turns out I'm ~~totally~~ kinda bitchy. Turns out I'm kinda bat shit crazy, sometimes.

But guess what? I found the love of my life, the one that gets that, the one that accepts that. Turns out there are grown men out there that can take care of themselves ~~even though I might be able to do it better and will always try cause Im a bat shit crazy control freak.~~ Hallelujah!!

Thank you Christian. Thank you for moving to this little city and being in that gross skeezy bar that night. Thank you for taking care of me. But most of all, thank you for letting me be me, in all my crazy baggage carrying, insecure, control freak glory.

Looks like we're both a little bat shit crazy.

I love you.

Ps, bishes! We just celebrated 2 yrs!

The Glamourous Lives of Slumlords

2009-11-19T07:52:00.005-07:00

Ok, so we're really not slum lords..were pretty good landlords I think. I have years of experience to back that shit up.

My last house had a basement suite. About 75% of the time that I lived there that basement suite was occupied. I had 4 different tenants and my last one was the best. (miss you Alli!)

Anycrap, when C moved here his main objective was to find a house and start making a mortgage payment. He bought the house after we had been dating for about 6 months. We moved all his ~~garbage~~ stuff in, and set it up all nice. This house also had a basement suite so we rented that shit out. After about 6 more months of C not really living in his new house, we decided to try and rent out some of the rooms upstairs to students. That didn't work so well, but we found a couple that was willing to move into it the way it was (with all of C's ~~garbage~~ stuff already unpacked). The house had three bedrooms so we used one for storing his ~~garbage~~ stuff and let them have the rest of the upstairs. They are young, and respectful and for the most part they are very little "work" for us.

We had awesome tenants in the basement suite and all was well, until this past summer when the tenants from the basement suite said they were moving. Ok, that shouldn't be a problem, right? Post an ad, show the suite, have people fill out applications. Check, check and check.

We decided on a nice couple a few years younger than us. They had a dog, but so did the upstairs tenants. Everything was going to work out.

HAHA. Not.

Girl and her dog move in. Girl disappears first night and leaves dog for 12 hours, howling, in the suite. Call boy, he's mad. Says he's gonna kick girl out and live there himself. Does exactly that. Boy proceeds to be a drunken fool for the next 2 months. Upstairs tenants complain at least twice a week. We talk to drunk basement boy. He promises to stop being so noisy. Upstairs tenants complain again. Call drunk basement boy. He says "I don't understand why they keep calling you and why they don't talk to me, I mean, I just lent them 400 bucks to pay you their rent!" WTF?

Yes, you read that right. They actually borrowed money from the dude downstairs that they were complaining about constantly.

Anystupidjerktenants, we gave the drunken basement boy a written warning telling him that the next step is eviction.

Well, it turns out that he found a house for two weeks from now, after him and I had a discussion about him finding a new place to live.

Him-Is it ok if I move now? You would have two weeks to find new tenants.
Me-Hells ya! Get out! Get out! Get out!

We'll be showing the suite this weekend.

This is our list of requirements;

-Pay your rent on time.
-Don't be gross.
-Shut the eff up.

Is that so hard?

This is it.

2009-11-02T08:15:00.003-07:00

I went to see the Michael Jackson movie "This is It" in the theatre with my Mom and sister yesterday afternoon.

I enjoyed the film.

What I did not enjoy was the frumpy, 40's something woman that felt she needed to punch me repeatedly in my shoulder with her Coke bottle. This is for real, internets. She wasn't even directly behind me, she was a few over to the left of me. I was texting Christian, and trying to hide my screen not to distract anyone. (Although, PLEASE! My phone wasn't ringing. I wasn't talking out loud to my neighbour. I wasn't the annoying one with really loud candy wrappers. I was responding to a text.) So all of a sudden I'm being beaten in the shoulder and I turn to my sister thinking it was her. She had this horrified look on her face, and I'm pretty sure I said "What the F#$k?" We both turn our heads to Miss Punches People At Theatres and she says to me "CAN YOU TURN THAT THING OFF!"

My response?

"Pft! No."

Maybe if you had asked me nicely and didn't just assult me with your H1N1 infected Coke bottle, I may have considered it.

She's just lucky that I was so shocked by her obnoxious behavior. Otherwise there might have been an old time throw down reminiscent of the WWF days. Before, WWE was even invented. Yo.

Pft.

Getting old is the shitz.

2009-10-27T14:45:00.008-06:00

This past weekend my sister and I drove to Moose Jaw (good ole Saskatchewan town!) to help out with a few things and visit our Grandma in the senior rehabilitation centre. The same one that my other Grandma spent a month in when she fell in 2008.

She had a bad fall in her apartment, mid September. And it's pretty shitty because up until this point she had been on her own for years. She still drove and got her own groceries (albeit, with some difficulty I'm sure).

Grandma needs a pretty high level of care now, so she is being moved to a care home. This means that all of her stuff needed to be dealt with in her suite. That's one of the big reasons for our trip, besides spending as much time with Grandma as possible and taking her for smoke breaks. (Oh yes, she still smokes!) She used to put cigarette packages in our Christmas stockings! Just kidding. ~~Not really.~~

This is my Dad's Mom. She is a pretty cool lady.

My Dad has one brother that has two sons. My Mom is an only child. That makes those two boys our only cousins. (I know! Crazy small family.) That said, we were pretty pumped to spend time with them, even if it was to pack up Grandma's home. We never see them together when we visit. It's usually one or the other.

We had some major fun with them, in light of everything going on with Grandma.

Do you think we look alike?

If I had a twitter account, I'd totally tweet this!

2009-10-27T08:55:00.003-06:00

H1N1 (aka swine flu)

My place of employment has eleventy million staff, therefore the government is releasing the vaccine to us early. That said, they are offering the shot to all the staff and our spouses and children. At work.

That would be lovely, if I wasn't so confused about what the heck to do?! No one is in the middle.

It's all, "OMG, we're all gonna die from this horrible flu if we don't get the vaccine!"

OR

"OMG, we're all going to die from getting this horrible vaccine because it's full of autism/paralyzing/extra head growing poisons!"

Either way, I'm dead.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

No, seriously. Tell me, please!

That one time when I was more drunk than Christian......

2009-10-21T12:40:00.010-06:00

I know, you probably can hardly believe it right? I can't.

I'm seriously doubting that the problem was just too much booze. I actually have considered that I may have been drugged (shut up if you dont believe me!) Who's watchin your drink, smart ass? Not me! I don't even watch my own.

AnystupidjerkthatGHB'dmydrink, C and I were in Calgary for the weekend. We were so lucky to be house guests at Kate and Mike's new house! They had a 70's housewarming party that was in full swing when we arrived on Friday night. Check out the pictures (don't judge my lame costume, I'm a busy girl!)

Saturday morning was enjoyed while getting myself super lost on the way to the mall, followed by serious shopping and catching up with my bff Wynter. Christian was at the Stamps vs Riders game with his bff. (I totally said bff, even though it kinda makes me barf in my mouth a little bit. Ha, funny I should mention barf.)

After driving all over Calgary ~~and realizing that my boyfriend is too drunk to be concerned about me or our plans for the evening~~ Wynter and I went our separate ways to freshen up for a night out. We met at the community hockey rink where Christian was playing with his old team. I enjoyed 3 beverages and two disgusting shots in about two hours. We then left the rink and went to some lounge type, live band, rocker bar. At this bar, I had one drink, and I remember 2 more shots. (Don't be so judgy! I'm not denying that I could have had more than two!). I did leave my drink unattended..probably more than once. I recall asking the guys at the table if that was my drink and then drinking from it again. That's about all I remember, except for the part 2 hours later when I was on my hands and knees on Kate's lawn (so sorry guys!) and Christian was sweetly telling me to "Just get it alllll out."

The next evening, Christian told me that I threw up three different times before arriving in bed. When I woke up at 9am, I threw up every 20 mins, including in my car on the way to brunch with his family. As soon as we arrived at his parents house, I spent all my time in their bathroom barfing. Class-E. I was finally able to get in the car at 4 to start the 7 hour drive home.

Worst. Day. Of. My.Life

Give me child birth. That was easier.

Striptastic!

2009-10-08T10:35:00.006-06:00

So Miss Yvonne over at Yo Mama's Blog gave me this.

It's the "I Should Been a Stripper" award.

That was sweet of her, but I totally shouldn't be a stripper. Miss Yvonne has never been to my town, I'm guessing. I mean, she's all warm in Texas, and I'm all frozen in Canada. Miss Y, it was -6C today (no, I don't know what -6C works out to be in F..0 degrees celcius is freezing point here, you do the math!). It's supposed to snow later. Today I am wearing 3 pairs of pants, and 6 shirts, with a bunnyhug and a winter jacket. It would take me like 3 hours to strip all this shit off, and then there would still be the long underwear, and I'm not sure I'd make any tips in that get up. I do like a nice G-string though.

Anystrippersaredirtywhores, along with this award, I'm supposed to list 7 of my personality traits for you and then tag 7 more bloggers. That last part might be hard because I only have 10 followers unlike Miss Yvonne who has so many ~~because she pays them.~~.

1. I have severe anal tendencies. (oo, dirty!) I am very particular about how every aspect of my house/office/car/moisturized world should be. (I hate hoarders. OMG, did you see the preview for Oprah today?? Sick.)
2. I'm organized. I'm great at organizing my life and my loved one's lives. (You're welcome Christian. Don't forget your dentist apt next week!)
3. I am an amazing multi-tasker. For instance, I'm blogging and doing my kegels at the same time! Amazing, I know!
4. I'm hilarious. I stole this one from Miss Yvonne, but it's true.
5. I'm modest. Baaahahahahaha..See number 4.
6. I sucked at math, but I'm good at money management.
7. I'm jealous of skinny bitches, and small feet.

I have decided that because I don't have 7 people to tag, I'm not going to tag anyone. Why bother if it can't be done right, right? (Please see #1)

Thank you.

Seriously?

2009-10-08T09:48:00.004-06:00

I'm sorry, but did I get hit with the stupid stick recently?

All the monies have gone through for the sale of my house and the purchase of our new house! Woot! That just means that everyone we owe money to has been paid back, and I don't have to offer up Christian's knees as payment anymore. Phewf!

So after all is said and done, I had a few extra dollars to spend on either one new couch for our living room, or try and find some barely used furniture.

I have been trolling the classifieds, and the new furniture websites for a while now. Yesterday I found a couch and chair (used) and the girl was asking 500 bucks! Same set brand new for 1200. Needless to say I was super excited. I packed up my boy (the small one, not the big one) and we headed over to look at the used couch and chair. I had my keys in one hand and my cell phone in the other and my child behind my back when I rang the door bell. Ya know, just in case it was all a ruse to get strangers to come to your house so you can rob them or murder them or make them watch baseball. What? Maybe I've read too many of those emails about how to save yourself in a dire situation..like, how to catch bullets with your teeth, and shit, but at least I'm cautious! Anywho, back to the couch story. The peeps take Vance and I to the garage to look at it. The girl, who's name is also Lindsey (it was meant to be!) tells me she is moving in with her boyfriend and that is why she's selling the furniture. I love them. Vance thinks they are awesome. I offer her 450 bucks and her friend offers to load them in his truck and follow me home. SCORE!

Ok, maybe not so much. We get them home, and unload them onto the driveway just as Christian pulls up. That's when the dude says "You'll need a 36 inch doorway to get those suckers in your house! Good luck." and then he speeds away.

Holy shit balls. Who's the retard that buys giant couches with out even thinking about it? ME! Our door is like 32 inches. Uh huh. So Christian and I decide we're super heroes and take the front end of our house off and squeeze the mother fucking giant ass (totally awesome microfiber caramel colored beautifullness) couch and chair into our house. We may have ripped it in one or two spots..but nothing a needle and thread can't fix. Impressive, I know.

In other news, before we went to pick up the couches we stopped at my sisters house where I snagged my pants (right in the ass) on a tiny nail sticking out of her door trim. I may have cried a little bit. Then the kid points it out while the couch seller is following me to my car. Sweet boy.

Vance- Mom, your butt hole isn't that big, I can hardly even see it.

Uh...

I do stupid shit.

2009-10-05T09:30:00.005-06:00

Christian bought a house about 6 months after we started seeing each other. When we met, he was living with his Aunt as he had just moved here from a different province.

Anycrap, his house is now the "revenue house". Now that we have moved into our new place, we had room to move some of his crap..cough..packrat!.. out of the revenue house.

We had also been storing a large hide-a-bed of mine there. It weighs 8 billionty pounds, but we (and by "we" I mean Christian and his friend) managed. We got it home, and I immediately vacuumed the crap out of it. Then I grabbed the Febreze bottle and started Febrezing the crap out of it. But wait! Why does the Febreze smell like bleach? Febreze smells like happy days in fields of mother fucking flowers, non? OMG! The bottle is full of half bleach and half water! (Insert nervous breakdown here)

See. I do stupid shit.

What happened to that couch, you ask?

Absolutely nothing! The fabric wasn't affected at all, and it no longer smells like tenant ass because it smells like toxic bleach instead!

Thank Gawd.

Wordless Wednesday (Also know as "too lazy to think of something clever to post".)

2009-09-30T12:58:00.006-06:00

That was on our back door, a week before we moved. I thought it was slightly cute. Only because I have fond memories of catching those little furry things as a child.

But then I Googled that bastard. It's pretty yellow fur causes skin irritations, hives and swelling! AND it turns into this disgusting freak of nature...

Remember how I feel about birds flapping around my head? Well, I feel even more horrified when stupiddumbjerk moths are flapping around my head!

Thank goodness we moved! ~~I hope the caterpillar makes the new owners all itchy and shit.~~

Ok, so I guess it wasn't Wordless Wednesday. Meh, I'm too lazy to change the title now.

Peace.

This lame ass post took me six hours to finish.

2009-09-29T14:01:00.008-06:00

I'm exhausted, but at least we're moved (and the house is fantastic!).

Wanna know why I am exhausted?

1. I moved my whole life from one house to another. This includes packing and unpacking.

2. The movers were slow and sucky (but I bitched and got 200 bucks back yesterday. Yay me!). They also damaged my dining room table. Uh huh.

3. The new owners, of our old place, are complaining about the ground plug in the bathroom. Bitch please, "Don't blow dry your hair while standing in a puddle!" ~~Assholes~~. We'll probably have to pay to fix it. We agreed to replace the grounding clamp (because the smart ~~jerkface~~ inspector said that the clamp was the problem), but their realtor worded it differently in the agreement. "Fix plug." Turns out the grounding clamp didn't "Fix plug".

4. The tenants at the "rental house" are all a bunch of morons. Sometimes I forget how smart I am (shut up). I feel like I have to dumb it down to talk to any of them.

Ok, so all crankiness aside, I am super happy to be in our new house. We managed to get pretty settled in by the end of Sunday night, which is pretty good since we have 4 floors now. ( That basically means our shit is spread out over 4 floors now.) Pictures soon.

I promise to have a better attitude in my next post.

(Ha! Ya right.)

Bye Bye, Baby!

2009-09-23T09:16:00.012-06:00

We take possession of the new house on Friday. This means that we have only two more sleeps left in the old house.

I've been so distracted that I haven't thought much about it until this week when my friend/basement tenant asked me if I'm sad about leaving the house.

Then it all came flooding back to me. Holy shit! Yes, I am going to miss it. That's 8 years of my life right there. I was married and divorced while living in that house. Vance came home to that "house" from the hospital. He learned to walk, talk and ride a bike at that house. I met and fell in love with Christian while I lived in that house!

That house was my first house, and I'm gonna miss it.

I won't miss quite a few things, though. That house was a bastard to me more times than once. The basement flooded in 2005 and had to be gutted and started over. I had mice, I had meal moths, I had ants. I had no hot water on a cold fall morning, and no heat twice in the dead of winter. The pipes froze and the floors creak.

I'm ready for some new memories.

Bring it!

(And yourselves, if you live near by. We need some ~~movin' bitches~~ friends to help us move!)

Family Wedding = Lazy Spouse

2009-09-21T18:50:00.005-06:00

Me-It's 10 o'clock now. You told me last night that you'd get up at 10am, to kick some ass for this whole "packing to move" thing, if I let you stay out all night with your family. You promised.

Christian- haha, you thought I was serious? I was totally lying, honey.

Me- Oh! Haha, you thought I would love and respect you for the rest of our lives, honey? Riiiiight, I was totally lying too.

The End.

Oh right, I forgot to tell you about that.

2009-09-11T08:36:00.009-06:00

On August 16th, I ran my first 10k. I had commited to this run back in May. The plan was to sign up with my sister, who would do the half marathon.

I was as prepared as I could be, except for that part about having out door running legs. Whatevs. I forced myself to train outside a little bit. What can I say, though? I like running on my treadmill. I watched all 8 seasons of Will and Grace on that thing.

The morning of the 16th I got up at 6, had some mini wheats, and got dressed. I wore a tank top, and capris. (I was worried about being hot during this run. Not such a worry after all.) I picked up my sister and we parked on a side street close to the river where the start/finish line was. When we stepped out onto the street, we were hit by wind AND rain. We realized we were both going to be wet and cold. FUN! (I kept thinking, "why do people do this shit? We are all retarded!") There were many people wearing running jackets even. Oops. Stacey and I, along with 300 other runners, waited in line for the porta-potties and then all huddled under the food tent waiting for our starts.

Stacey started 15 mins before me because she was running the half. I started with all the other 10k participants, as well as the 5k participants. We ran exactly half way and then turned around and ran the same way back. When the 5k people started turning around, I was jealous, lazy jerks. I did manage to get into a good groove, though. Yes, I was wet, but I had a hat on so my face was dry. I had music, and I wasn't hot. Bonus.

There were no cups of water left at the first water station, so I just kept going and hoped that there would be something at the half way point. My sister told me to drink Gatorade if they had any and they did, so I grabbed a cup. A full cup, people. I hate Gatorade, it was orange, and I sure as hell wasn't going to stop running for that orange crap. So, I tried to drink it WHILE running. Funniest thing ever. I actually inhaled some, coughed a whole bunch, and then spilled the shit all over me. BUT, I didn't stop running. I know. I'm pretty hardcore, yo.

The last 2 miles there were sooo many people walking. They were walking, then running a few steps and then they'd stop and huff and puff and walk some more. Good on them for getting some exercise, but seriously? Maybe do some research before signing up for a 10k. I guess it did feel good to pass some people, especially after being passed so much in the beginning. I didn't point or heckle even!

My last mile was the worst. It was uphill, the wind was in my face, and my capri pants were so soaked that I had to keep bending down and wrenching the water out of the hems cause it felt gross. That was when the self talk kicked in. It wasn't the good kind of self talk, either. Like, "You can do it, keep going!". It was more like "Keep running you stupid, dumb, idiot. You signed up for this crap. Don't you dare stop, otherwise you've wasted three months of my life!"

It was a great feeling getting to the finish line, though. Christian brought Vance, and my mom was there with Quinn. They were all standing under a big red and while patio umbrella. Vance was running along side of me at the end.

We waited for Stacey to finish, and then Christian got Vance and I to the car and cranked the heat. We were in the car for about 5 mins, and then I was a mess. A teeth chattering, convulsing, mess. I couldn't warm up. He dropped me off at home and drove Vance to his Dad's for me.

I walked into the house and straight to my bathroom, after cranking the mother effin furnace, and got myself into a lame lukewarm bath (as per Stacey's orders). I had to self talk my ass outta that tub too. I could not, for the life of me, stop shivering.

Christian came home to find me in the bed, with a towel around my head, my housecoat on, and the furnace cranked. He had to get out the blow dryer and blow dry me under the duvet (now that is true love, internets). It was the only thing that stopped the shivering.

Don't ask me if I'll do it again.

(Ok, ok. Probably next summer! But don't ask me to do the half, that's just retarded.)

Updates-with pictures!

2009-09-03T11:43:00.010-06:00

So, as you may have noticed, from my goofy picture with the sold sign, we sold the house. It sold, conditionally, 4 effin times. People are morons. That's all I gotta say about that.

Anystupiddumbjerkinspectors, it sold and we move on the 25th of this month. For realz! That's, like, really soon internets!

This weekend I have grande plans! Packing! I envision myself working in the garage and junking some junk, and organizing some stuff, and moving crap around and making room for boxes and boxes of prepacked stuff and being really productive. But then I think about how nice laying around in my backyard would be, since apparently summer just started here this week. Sunbathing, with a bottle of wine and my book, ~~and no boy or man to annoy me~~ sounds much more appealing than packing, no? Don't you agree that I deserve some downtime after all that stupid house selling stress?

Or, maybe I'll just throw my responsibilishness (it's my blog, I can make up words if I want!) out the window and head to the lake instead of packing.

This........

Or this......

What would you do?

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?

2009-09-01T10:44:00.011-06:00

Saturday was my company golf tournament.

Christian and I golfed on a team with my sister and her boyfriend. I like golfing, but I'm more of a 9 hole golfer. 18 is just too much.

Stacey and I were ~~intoxicated~~ bored by the 5th hole, so we took goofy pictures.

Every golf tournament we've participated in includes a dinner after. Then there are door prizes to be won. During door prizes, Christian always chooses to harass me and ask me when we can leave. I like to wait because I want my dorky golf mug, or my ugly ball cap, or a bag of golf tees, dammit!

This tourney was no different.

Christian- Let's go.
Me-No, we have to wait for our door prizes.
Christian- Come on! Let' s ditch this joint!
Me-Stop talking to me.
Christian-Fine, I'll go without you.
Me-Enjoy your bus ride.
Door Prize Lady- The next door prize is for $150 gift certificate for the pro shop here at the golf course.
Door Prize Lady- Christian Le..na.....

Woot!

Christian bought himself a new putter, a ton of golf balls, a purse for me and I may or may not have said "I told you so!"

In other news, Vance started Grade 1 today.

Isn't he adorable?

Finally!

2009-08-29T11:30:00.001-06:00

"Cougar"- not only a term for a 35+ year old female who is on the prowl for younger men.

2009-08-24T09:41:00.016-06:00

We went to the lake this weekend. We were so very excited because this summer has basically sucked ass in regards to the weather department. The weatherman promised HOT HOT HOT. He freakin lied. We woke up on Saturday morning to a thunderstorm. Thankfully, the kids were happy enough to play video games inside while the adults pouted. (Ok, so maybe I was the only one that pouted, but you don't have to point that out.)

The sky cleared up in the late afternoon, so we decided to take the kids swimming. The water was "take your effin breath away" cold. It would have even been worth it to squeeze my fat ass into a wetsuit, even if I feel like a sausage with limbs. But I didn't, so instead I almost froze to death. It was great fun.

Saturday night, after the kids were in bed, we sat by the fire. My Mom had joined us, as well as my sister. So it was us three girls, and Christian. After my Mom went to bed, we kept hearing a cat meowing. It was a distressed kind of meow. It freaked me out. Picture us sitting by the fire, it's pretty dark, and a cat is crying near us. (Terrifying, I know!) We finally spot the cat with the flash light and then it runs away. Meanwhile, my sister decides to call it a night as well. She heads in, and I sit with drunky- I mean Christian. I hear the cat again, and its starting to really make me anxious. So I turn the flash light on and shine it by the cars. Seriously you guys, I almost peed my pants. All I saw were eyes reflecting back at me that belonged to a much bigger body than that little crying cat we had just spotted. My inner voice screams at me "It's a cougar, run for your precious life!" I yell something at Christian (I can't remember what, probably "OMG, we're going to die!") and I take off with the flash light, run up the stairs of the deck and fly through door. Totally leaving Christian alone, with the cougar. (Ok, so I don't actually have proof that it was a cougar.) My sister and I turn the outside light on and Christian tells us to come outside, that it's safe and he thinks it was just a dog. Ya right. Then my Mom gets up because of all the commotion and tells us that someone on the golf course that day had said there was a lynx spotting recently. That was it for me.

Me-OMG, I'm not staying out here. I am going to bed now.

Christian- Oh come on, a lynx is just like a house cat! You have nothing to worry about, I will protect you. I promise honey, just sit out here with me.

Anygiantscaryasspussy, as if I was going to stay out there with him and he refused to come in, so I went to bed. The next day, I asked him if he remembered any of it (I had my doubts, as rum is a memory eraser for him.) and he didn't remember. (HA!)

After I told him the whole story, he said to me "OMG! You left me outside alone with a cougar!"

Love you, honey!

Good times.

I'm sorry.

2009-08-18T21:39:00.001-06:00

I'm cranky, and not in the cranky/funny kinda way either.

Selling houses sucks balls.

The End.

Top 10 search words that brought you to my blog;

2009-08-11T15:09:00.003-06:00

1. Does ketchup work as moisturizer?
2. Awesome on the internet
3. Do not flush tampons signs & pictures
4. I hate puck bunnies.
5. Is there mouse poo in peanut butter?
6. Ladies potty pictures
7. Moisturized town
8. What is the religious day called "lint"?
9. Pervert pictures
10. Kiss my ass pictures

I'm still here, barely.

2009-08-11T13:42:00.010-06:00

I've been kinda cranky lately (ok, a lot cranky, shut up C.). This whole crap with trying to sell my house has made me almost unbearable to be around.

That said, what do I blog about? I could discuss my anal-obsessive tendencies and how they have multiplied by eleventy billion since this process started? Like, how bout the argument we got into last week about not denting the duvet (for realz you guys) after I've made the bed in the morning. Seriously. This is what my life has come to, dented duvets, dirty mirrors, cups on the counter. My brain will not stop to think about anything else except that my house must look perfect at all times so that it will SELL.

Anycrapdan, I'm not going to discuss my psychosis any further. Instead I'll remind you that I signed up for a 10k waaaay back in April with my sister (she's running the half marathon). The 10k is next Sunday. I'm actually ready for it. I'm excited, I'm nervous ~~because my ass still jiggles~~ , but I can't wait ~~to get it over with~~! I bought myself a new running bra that breathes (It better breathe, it was 60 bucks! Actually, it should be a magic running bra for that price!), got myself an armband for my giant iPod Touch. (I should have put more thought into the size of it. Oh well, nothing like having a brick strapped to your arm!) And my tank top matches my shoes, which lets face it, internets, that's the only thing that matters!

We leave for our mini lake vacation on Wednesday and come back the night before the race. Nothing like a 4 days of beer and lake eating before my first 10k!

Oh ya, and in case you were wondering about the house. It sold conditionally, again, for the third time on Friday night. The new buyers have until this Friday to do their inspection and remove conditions. Think good thoughts for me. I'd hate to see what I would be like if this one falls through too.

Me: Christian, you're denting the duvet!
Him: But honey, it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

I will sell my house, I will sell my house, I will sell my house.

2009-08-04T11:02:00.006-06:00

Last week the buyers withdrew their offer to buy my home, after the house inspection. They are young, and they are first home buyers. I think they just wanted out. They are in a for a real shock if they think that any house is perfect..but seriously? Don't shop for older homes if you expect near perfection. My house is almost 80 years old. I know it was perfect for me for 9 years, and it's even nicer than it was when I first bought it. I know that eventually it will be perfect for someone else. Unfortunately, patience is a virtue that I lack right now.

Five hours after that offer was withdrawn, I had a new offer! The inspection was scheduled for tomorrow (I held my breath for a week), but today the realtor called to let me know that his financing fell through. UGH!

We now have two weeks to sell ~~the dump~~ my first home, so that we can lift the last condition on our new home. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I want that house more than you can know.

Spiders- Scary Ass Creatures

2009-07-27T10:03:00.006-06:00

Christian's parents are up at their cabin, which is about a two hour drive from the city. So we waited for his sister, Marianne, to arrive on Friday night from NYC. Then we packed up Saturday morning and took off for the lake.

The lake was amazing. The weather was hot and the deck beer was delicious.

Vance had a great time, I hardly saw him though, as he made friends with the kids next door. He got to go in the paddle boat, on a motor boat ride, he went tubing, watched fireworks, golfing, ate smores, and slept in a tent for the first time!

Him and I slept in the tent, and Christian slept inside on the couch since all the beds were full. It was a pretty good sleep. The boy slept until 9:20 am, which is amazing and never happens, and I almost cried tears of joy. What I didn't like was the giant spider that was crawling around as we were preparing to exit the tent. It was big, hairy, brown, had giant fangs and was giving me a dirty look. It was kinda slow moving though, so I didn't feel the need to panic. I picked up my flip flop, and flopped it. Hard. Well, internets, nothing has prepared me for what happened next. What seemed like a million, little, baby spiders came out of it so I had to keep hitting at it, over and over. Ok, maybe it was like 15 babies, but whatev, it was scary!

All the research I've done this morning (I still have the heebie jeebies) tells me that it was a female wolf spider.

The females of the wolf spiders, the Lycosidae, have the unique characteristic of carrying their egg sacs attached to their spinnerets. Once the spiderlings hatch, the female carries them on her back for several days before they disperse. (Or before some crazy blonde chick starts beating it with her flip flop)

Here is a picture for your viewing pleasure.

If you look really close, you can see all her babies, hitching a rider on her back.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go look at pictures of puppies and kitties before I gouge my eyes out.

Movin on up.

2009-07-24T12:56:00.005-06:00

I'm super pumped. We've been thinking about buying a new house for the last 6 months. I knew that it would be late summer that we would be ready for it. We did a bunch of reno's on the house, like painting this and that and I hired a cleaning lady to wash walls (I don't do that shit, yo). I am pretty anal, as I may have mentioned before, so my house is freakin clean anyways.

Last week, we looked at some houses in the area that we, I mean "I "desired (who am I kidding?). It's close to Vance's school and all his friends, it's the neighbour hood that I grew up in. They were all crap. Seriously, who doesn't at least try to make their houses more presentable when they are trying to sell it? It's called a vacuum, use it! And what's with all the really crappy do it yourself home renovations? If you suck at home renos, step away from the paint brush people. I kid you not, some assholes painted their basement with high gloss red paint, you could see every.single.brush.stroke. It looked like a murder scene down there. Needless to say, I was pretty discouraged, BUT the very next day I found one on the MLS site that had just reduced its price. So I rushed out of work at 10am on a Tuesday and met the realtor there. Christian wasn't even able to meet me. I called him from that house and told him we had to buy it, it was freakin perfect! The relaxed guy that he is, told me "Ok, go for it!". So I did. They accepted our offer on the condition that my house sells. Christian got to see it two days later and loved it, thank God! I put my house up for sale the very next day, and within 6 days twenty couples had viewed it and we already had an offer! So now my house is conditionally sold-they just need to do an inspection next week. People are still looking at the house though. There were some yesterday, three today, and an open house on Sunday. I'm getting tired of it cleaning up ~~after a 32 year old and a 6 year old~~ , but whatev. I guess it' a good thing incase the new buyers back out after the inspection, which they shouldn't do, but it's still an out for them if they change their minds. . (I know I'm boring you guys, but too bad, its my blog!)

Anyboringhousebuyingandsellingcrap, it's pretty much a done deal. We move into a REAL family house at the end of August. I can't wait. It's a 4 level split, so we'll have tons of room and tons of room for Vance to have his own playroom, and tons of room for a future baby! Plus, Vance is so excited about walking to school for his first day of grade 1, from our new house.

And on another note, here's the conversation between Vance and I that keeps playing over and over in my head.

Him-I really want a baby brother or sister Mom.
Me-Well, maybe someday that will happen.
Him-Really?!! What will it be? A boy? Or a girl?
Me-I don't know, sweetie, we don't get to decide that.
Him-Well I don't care what it is, I just want one.
Him-What can we name it?
Me-I guess that depends on if it's a boy or a girl.
Him-How old will it be when I'm 10?
Me-I'm not sure Vance.
Him-What about when I'm 11?
Him-Mom, you can just call the baby an "it" if you don't want to keep saying boy or girl.
Me-Ok buddy, thanks.
Him-I can't wait to meet it.
Him-If it's a boy we should name him something that starts with a "J".

Meanwhile, Christian walks into the house and Vance runs to him and says,

"Guess what Christian?! Mom says that someday we'll have a baby brother or sister! What should we name it?"

OMG I won something!

2009-07-20T15:49:00.003-06:00

Check out this post here at A Latte in the Morning.

I am so excited! I can't believe I won! This is like that time that I got picked for jury duty, except that I don't have to sit in a crappy chair with a sore ass ~~tail~~ for a week. AND, I think that Vance will love it!

It's from here Live Love Dream.

Thanks Live Love Dream! You totally made my day!

Birthday Cupcakes.

2009-07-10T20:29:00.007-06:00

"Seriously, don't take my picture next to cupcake face!"

That's what I was saying to my sister right as she snapped the picture. Then she showed everyone around the table, and we all laughed. Then Vance cried. Real tears. He was upset because he thought that everyone was laughing at me. Aww..tear. We had to have the laughing "with" versus laughing "at" conversation again. All was good.

Then, Christian taught Vance how to shove a whole cupcake in his mouth.

After that, we opened presents!

Do you think he looks happy?

My kiddo is 6 today!

2009-07-10T08:36:00.012-06:00

In celebration, here are some cute pictures of Vance over the years.

I just took an online quiz, it says I have a type A personality.

2009-07-08T12:14:00.009-06:00

My mind is frazzled lately. Coming up with a blog topic seems impossible when I can't focus on just one or two things at a time, instead multitasking eleven billionty things at once.

You see, Christian and I are making steps towards purchasing a new home together. Currently we are living in my house, and his house has some tenants to pay the mortgage. It's a sweet deal.

So now we want to sell my house, but there are so many things to do to get the house in "show" mode. Yes, I'm an anal clean freak, so that's not a problem. It's the little things here and there that need that finishing touch, or quick fix up. It's all cosmetic, and it's all a pain in the ass.

We now have a list on the fridge so that we can start knocking them off, one at at time.

The realtor is pushing to list in the next couple of weeks. We've been perusing the MLS listings for the area we want. A couple of the houses have potential. We've met with the mortgage broker. So I suppose everything is slowly coming together.

Last night I spent a couple hours painting in the basement, with the Duggars playing in the back ground to distract me from the fact that I was painting. 18 kids and counting. Huh. Let me remind you that I.hate.painting. But I thought to myself "If Mama Duggar can pop out 18 babies, I guess I can suck it up and paint some freakin window frames!"

My life, in bullet points.

2009-07-02T10:39:00.012-06:00

-Last night I went to see "My Sister's Keeper" with my sister. We got our tickets and got in the food line. I bought enough popcorn and diet coke for an army, I wasn't really paying attention when she asked me if I wanted gigantasized portions. So we shared. I also made sure to get a package of dill pickle flavoring for it. I warned Stacey that she would have to stop breathing while eating this stuff. She didn't listen and coughed for the first 5 mins of the movie. It was the truly the only laugh we had in there. That movie is a serious tear jerker. I'm sure we both cried every ten minutes. It was so great, but oh so terrible at the same time.

<--- How cute is that picture?

-My baby turns 6 in a week. We are having a movie theater party. Ice Age 3 in 3D. I'm pumped to just show up with a cake, and watch everything else get "taken care of". We usually have big backyard parties that involve lots of time and money ~~and mommy drinking a big bottle of wine immediately afterward~~ . We got his gift last week, it's a Nintendo DS. I'm so excited to give it to him! ~~and then hog it so that I can kick some ass at Mario Brothers.~~

-Why can't blogger just understand that I am Canadian? And that I want to use my Canadian spellings. Like "theatre" and "colour" and "flavour" and "centre". That little red spell checker squiggly line thingy is kind of an asshole, eh?

-My crock pot is possessed. I set the stupid thing, and come home and it's totally on high, even though when I left I had set it to low. Or it won't turn off when its supposed to, meaning that my food gets cooked for 6 hours longer than intended. Why are you doing this to me, crock pot?

-I am on my second week of my 8 week training program for my 10k in August. I have been running while watching the first season of Will and Grace. Oh. My. God. I can't believe I didn't watch that show when it was on TV! I laugh out loud while I'm on my treadmill. It's like the, almost fall over and make a new hole in the wall, kind of funny. Jack and Karen kill me.

-We are headed to Moose Jaw this weekend to put on a garage sale for my grandparents empty house. They moved into a retirement castle in November. My grandpa's biggest concern is that people are going to try to steal stuff. My biggest concern is that Christian will wear a price tag all day, and ask women if they want to buy him.

-My life is kinda boring right now. How can I top New York? I can't. So basically, you'll have to read about spelling and crock pots if you come here. It's totally what all the ~~lame bloggers~~ cool kids are talking about anyways!

Summer begins!

2009-06-22T09:23:00.007-06:00

We went to the lake this weekend!

My sister and I gathered up our children and hit the highway as soon as we could. The boys were to meet us later since they both work later than we do.

The road trip was a bit hairy. About 25 mins in, I turn around and my child is green. Instantly I curse myself for forgetting to buy gravol and dose him up since he has a history of puking in my sister's vehicle. So, we pull over on the side of the road and get him some fresh air. He gets some color back and we head into Podunkville Saskatchewan and thank our lucky stars that we don't live there! We find a drug store and I buy the much needed gravol. All is good.

WAIT! There is a green tent worm on my knee and I'm trying not to panic because I just need to get it off and not scare the children but I'm worried its going to pee or poop some green nastiness on my pants so I slightly panic and then Stacey slightly panics and tells the children to pass us kleenex, but the kleenex is piled under everything that is piled up in the back seat because we had to bring everything we own for two nights. **breathe out** So she reaches down to the floor and grabs a granola bar wrapper and hands it to me. I grab the worm and totally litter that shit out the window. Children see me litter. Crap. Then Quinn says, "Mommy, what's that!?" And I look over my right shoulder and there is one of those giant bugs that looks like a mosquito on roids, and it's sitting there dangling right above my head, so I try not to panic again and I reach down to the floor and grab some more garbage to squish the bug and dispose of. But I grab a cotton ball, that's wrapped in medical tape, and I can see a dot of blood on it and Stacey starts laughing because she is worried I'll freak out more once I realize what it is but I'm all like "Who cares, I had one of your blood checker strips stuck on my diet pepsi like 5 mins ago, I'm not afraid of your blood! I am, however, scared of this life sucking mosquito thingy!" I managed to kill it and litter out the windowone more time while the kids sit and watch. I had to!

Stacey and I have a past history of throwing shit out the window on that road. One time, when we were teenagers, we stopped for McDonald's on the way to the lake. Stacey had to get a cup of ketchup. Yes you heard me a cup, not a squeezy packet or two. A whole cup. So then after we were done eating, she tells me to litter the bag out the window (I KNOW! But we were bad ass teenagers. We don't do it anymore..only bugs and bloody cotton balls..promise!) and so I throw the bag out the window, and then she realizes that we forgot to throw out her ketchup cup...So I toss that too but I toss it allllll wrong. Ketchup is all over my hand and the side of the car. Napkins you ask? Nooooo, the napkins were in the first toss out. Serves us right, I know.

Anycrap, we had a fantastic time at the lake. The kids made friends with the neighbour kids, and they basically stayed in the lake the whole day. The men made fire AND fire works and we had good times relaxing by the fire at night. Plus, we saw fire flies!

I. Love. Summer.

The End.

I heart New York.

2009-06-18T08:19:00.023-06:00

No, I didn't buy the shirt. How come everyone keeps asking me if I bought the shirt? I tried so hard to not look like a tourist! I think I may have given it away though, that one morning, when I was out alone. You see, I was walking along minding my own business..Ya I may have been a little lost...shut up..anyways, I'm walking along and a pigeon jumps up from the sidewalk and flies towards my face and so I do the Elaine dance to protect myself because I think it's going to land on my head and try to nest there or some shit.

It looked really mean. What? It did.

We had a fabulous time. We ate at Katz's Deli. We went on a Tenement Museum tour on Orchard Street. We drank fancy drinks at a place called the Clover Club. We went to Coney Island and ate hot dogs at Nathan's Famous. There may have even been a little pole dancing on the subway at some point!

We ate at Rupert Jee's Hello Deli before we saw the Wicked musical, which was so freakin fantastic by the way! Thanks Janice! Then, Christian's sister took us to a house party and we bbq'd right outside the window of their apartment.

You better click all those links, internets, because I put a lot of work into them!

On our last full day there, Christian and I got on the subway and as he put it "we got a lot of shit done". We went to Macy's, we ate lunch in a restaurant at the bottom of the Empire State building, we shopped (Ok, I shopped and Christian followed me around. Isn't he a sweet heart!?). We found the New York Public Library. Who ya gonna call? Ghost Busters!

We saw Grand Central Terminal, we went to FAO Shwarz and Bloomingdales, and we walked through Central Park right after the Puerto Rican Day Parade. (The garbage that was left behind was insane!).

While trying to get into Central Park, we had to weave through barricades and a million Puerto Ricans. We stopped on the sidewalk for a minute to check out the map and a police officer told us we had to keep moving and that we couldn't just stand on the sidewalk.

Police Officer-Keep moving people, you can't just stand here. Are you trying to get into the park?
Christian-Yes.
Police Officer-Ok, just go blah blah blah and then turn right.
Me-Thanks! Hey, so what just happened here?
Police Officer-Ma'am, nothing happened here. (Looks at me like I'm trying to start trouble)
Me-No, no I mean, with all these people.
Police Officer-Oh, it's Puerto Rico Day. (Duh.)

Then, on my last day there I. Found. Ann. Taylor. Loft. My credit card got a really good workout. That store is my store, peeps. Everything I tried on fit me and looked good. That never happens. In the dressing room right above the mirror there was a question, "Are you an Ann?"

Tear. I'm soooo totally an Ann!

I'm also a big fan of all the fancy diet pop options to be had in the US of A. What the hell Canada? And what's with the FDA here? I want Aleve, and I want Olestra (minus the anal leakage of course)..Bring on the fat free pringles!

Here is a picture of my new love and I.

And here is a picture of Christian and his new love.

Chewy-Dude, do you realize you're carrying around a Victoria's Secret bag?
Christian-Ya, I know. I'd probably look more manly if I had a crossbow like you, huh?

I wanna go back to jury duty!

2009-06-09T13:49:00.009-06:00

I haven't talked about the blue smock monkeys for a while. So you know all about that whole "US recession thingy"? Well, it means that there is a slow down in the manufacturing depts where I work because customers just aren't spending money. Which in short means that management is trying to keep 600 people happy/occupied.

Last week each production line decorated their area to represent a specific country. One of the groups was India. So, about 10 people spent 4 days building a Taj Mahal out of cardboard boxes and recycled paper right outside my office. I didn't manage to get a picture of it before I left for jury duty, but here is a picture of the remnants. They actually made it into an arch way.

Check out the lion.

Today, those employees are taking part in the (insert company name here) Olympics.

Right. Outside. My. Office.

Check it out.

Sorry the video is so crappy. It was taken on my cell phone. This was the start line for the office chair-toilet plunger race. If you look closely you will notice that they are propelling themselves forward with toilet plungers. I'm sure this would be a fun day, if the employees were actually high school aged, and it was Freshy Week or some shit, but this is obnoxious. I am also very confused about the person that keeps yelling "Go brown cow!" What do you think that means?

Maybe I'm just cranky because I still have to to work and it's hard to hear the customers on the phone when a bunch of morons are cheering on their toiletplungingpushing coworkers? Maybe I'm anti-social at work because I'm embarrassed that I work here? Maybe they could use this time to train these people in something useful instead of having "arts and crafts" time?

Meh, maybe I'm just a party pooper.

Recaps

2009-06-08T13:56:00.011-06:00

Friday May 29th- My 30th Birthday! We went for a family birthday dinner. See pictures below.

I picked Vance up from the sitter's on Friday, after work. I had not seen him in the morning because Thursday nights he spends with his Dad. When I arrived to pick him up he was very cranky (aka sleep deprived), and he didn't say happy birthday. He pretty much just whined and complained the whole way home. When we arrived at home, I made him go in his room and have a re-do. We pretended that his bedroom was the sitter's house and that I was just arriving to pick him up. It seemed to work pretty well. I may or may not have used the "Is it you birthday today? No? OH! That's right, its my birthday today" line a few times throughout the evening. Whatever works.

Saturday May 30th-This was a busy day filled with karate and swimming lessons, and subway lunch with Vance and his Dad. Followed by me pretending that I didn't know that there was a "surprise" birthday party happening that night. My sister along with Christian were so sweet and planned a party at her house. Christian thought he was being sneaky, I'm sure. But I can read pretty good.

Me- (one week earlier) Stacey just sent me a text and it says her new deck was built today!
Him-Cool, I didn't think she was getting it till this weekend.
Me- Hmm **thinking to myself "I didn't even know when the deck was being built, how would he? And especially, how would he REMEMBER that information?"**
Him-We should go hang out there!
Me-Tomorrow?
Him-No, like, maybe before we go out on next Saturday night.
Me-Uhh..ok.

I was, however, surprised by the cake. See pictures below.

Sunday May 31rst- Hang over. Oops.

Monday June 1rst- Jury duty! I'm not actually allowed to discuss the case. But, funny thing-the Coroner that ran the inquest turned out to be the brother of a friend of my sisters...whom I know is reading this right now! COMMENT damn you! I know you're reading me..I can see you.

Anycraps. We leave for New York on Thursday. So excited. So overwhelmed by all the stuff I need to get done, but it will be soooo worth it!

Toodle-loo.

Jury Duty

2009-06-02T12:33:00.002-06:00

So I was called for jury selection by mail, about a month ago or so. Turns out my company pays full wages for that shit. Wow!

So yesterday was the start of the coroner's inquest into the shooting death of a 38 year old man by police. That's about all I can say about it on here though

70 people showed up, 6 jurors were selected. 3 aboriginal, and 3 general population. I got picked! I am there all week, which means no work, sleeping in (starts at 9:30), hour and half long lunches and an interesting week.

New York next week!

New York in lieu of my 30th

2009-05-29T08:30:00.006-06:00

Christian and I are headed to NYC in less than two weeks. We will stay with his sister, cause she lives there yo, and I am so freakin excited! We leave on June 11th and stay til the 15th.

I've done a fair amount of traveling, but not much in the States. When I was a kid my parents used to take us on road trips to Minot, North Dakota (to shop at Payless and Target of course). North Dakota is so close to Canada, so it's basically part of Canada, non? It hardly counts.

I told Christian that I really would like to see Wicked while in NY. I am not sure if this is possible or not, but we'll see. He didn't seem excited (wicked retarded, I know). He said things like "gaying it up", "it's a kid's show","Holy shit, it's really expensive!" So, ya.

In other news, I have jury duty on Monday morning. If I get picked, I will be there all week. My company pays full wages, so hopefully they pick me. I'm assuming it will be interesting. Or it could be really super boring, but I don't have to be there til 9:30am so the sleeping in will be worth it!

Ps. Are you allowed to bring big foam fingers to jury duty?

Picture Updates and a Video

2009-05-27T21:15:00.007-06:00

We were at a family fun day in the park on Saturday. We get there, scope the place out-lots of jumpy castles and fun kids crap there- and before I know it, Vance is in line to put on a velcro suit and jump onto a velcro wall!

Happy Birthday to me!

And for your viewing pleasure.....

My treadmill!

And the stupid hole!

G'nite.

Birthdays are Awesome! Even if it means I'm turning old.

2009-05-27T08:57:00.014-06:00

Ya, so I think I've probably dropped the "It's my stupid 30th birthday soon." like, at least, 3 times now. Secretly, I don't care that I am turning 30, and it's a shameless plug for you to all know that its my birthday on Friday. Wanna know why? (of course you do!) I actually like my birthday! When it's your birthday you get to pretend that you are more special than everyone else for that day (in my case all week!). Which is funny to me because its not like I had to do anything on my day of birth. It should probably be my Mom's day. We should be get her presents and let her blow out the candles on the cake that reads...

"Thanks for Birthing me Mom!"
"Happy Labour and Delivery day! Hope You Forgot How Painful it Was!"
"Good Job with all that Pushing you Did!"

So my point is that I enjoy my birthday. I'm sure I'll think differently at 40, but whatevs..that's like 12 years away! (I'm joking, I totally passed Geo-trig in high school. Sheesh)

Anyways, I got my birthday present from Christian early! He took my car from me on Monday night and told me I would get it back in 24 hrs. I had some ideas of what he could be doing with my car. Oil change? Not so romantic. Tires? Detailing? Nope! Vance's guess was that Christian was going to have my car painted pink. He was kinda bummed when I told him that I was pretty sure it wouldn't get painted pink.

This is what I got.

He also had new speakers installed, and holy crap, my music sounds rad! The other super amazing thing he bought me is an 8G USB stick. Guess what he put on that stick last night? Like 40 freakin CDs that I had in my car! It's so freeing to get the CDs outta there. The stick thingy plugs into that little doo-hicky on the left and I can scroll through all my music. My iPod can hook up as well. This morning I had to sit in my car for 10 mins before driving away for fear I'd crash it while screwing around with my new amazing toy.

The best part, and Christian will probably roll his eyes at this, is that I can change the freakin color of the lights on the buttons, and the display. For reals peeps! This was totally made for a girl. It has 20 different color options. How crazy awesome is that? It's set at pink right now. Vance will be so excited for me when I pick him up after work.

Thanks honey!

Now for the rest of you, I like earrings, MAC makeup, and cashhhhh..

Calm down, I'm totally joking, I am not that vain. All I need is your love.

(Pft.)

Etsy-my new obsession.

2009-05-22T08:27:00.003-06:00

I found Etsy before Christmas. My first purchase was a really cool bill fold/wallet that we ordered for a Christmas gift. The exterior is made out of a plaid men's necktie and the interior out of material from a vintage wool suit. The girl that I bought it from was so nice, we had much discussion back and forth and when it was arrived there was a hand written thank you note, and the item was wrapped all cute in tissue and ribbons.

All my purchases so far have been like this. Very personalized. It brings me back every time. I love the one-of-a-kind-ness that you get from handmade items.

This is my everyday purse that I am in love with. Christian "bought" me this for Valentine's Day.

I am also in love with these purchases.

For Mother's Day, I bought this cute little earring holder frame thingy for my Mom. She loves earrings, and I tend to buy her earrings for every occasion. So this was a nice change. The guy that makes this stuff was really communicative and helpful. Check out his store, RedBarkDesigns.

Be prepared to spend hours on this site, if you are anything like me. I'm hooked.

This is my most recent purchase. It's my "Eff, I'm 30" gift to myself. I found this awesome Etsy seller from her blog. Mom-o-matic. She makes me laugh, and she has a cool Etsy store!

Happy Friday, peeps!

I'm awesome, because my internet friends tell me so!

2009-05-19T13:53:00.017-06:00

My buddy Jeri over at I'd Rather Be Laughing is making me (just kidding Jeri) do this Queen of All Things meme.

Jeri truly is the Queen of all things! Even though I haven't met her in person, I know this to be true. She is the most upbeat chicky I know. She is a super Mom, a super friend and I'm lucky to have met her.

Now onto the rules.

I have to share 7 things that make me awesome, and then tag a bunch of other ~~jerks~~ awesome people and request that they complete this task as well. It appears that most of my awesome friends have done this already. What the hell am I supposed to do? I could tag Christian's sister Kate-but I cant link her, because my blog is dirty and she wants a respectable job some day that won't connect her to my trash. Understandable.

So I'm just gonna have to take a great big FAIL on the last part and just move onto the important part. Me equaling awesome, obvs.

I am awesome because...

1. I can put my foot through a wall while getting off my treadmill (pictures to follow), AND get hit in the ribs, with a cart, by a crazy person at the grocery store. All within one hour.

2. I am very organized, and I can multitask like nobody's business! Some people may call me anal ~~but I call them assholes~~.

3. I turn 30 in just over a week. I am eleven billionty times smarter now than I was at 20. I am thankful for this each and every day.

4. I know what I want in life, and I know that I have to work for it in order to deserve it.

5. I am not afraid to tell it like it is. Even if it's not what you want to hear.

6. I am a mother. I have an awesome and amazing little boy to show for it ~~and stretch marks~~!

7. I have found my best friend, my partner, and the man I'll spend the rest of my life with. To know this, is the most awesome.

Tada!

2009-05-15T22:05:00.006-06:00

Please excuse my messy eyebrows. I'm too lazy to take a new picture. (I've been busy preparing, marinating and chopping foods for the lake tomorrow.)

Christian was super excited when he saw my hair! ~~I'm sure his over exuberant reaction had nothing to do with the fact that he played golf and drank beer all afternoon.~~

It's been a while since I've had a different length, and it feels sooooo good.

What do you guys think?

Should I cut it? Need opinions.

2009-05-14T15:34:00.016-06:00

Ok, I'm also a hairdresser. I only do hair once a week now, but I've been a journeyperson stylist for almost 9 years.

Anyhoo, since I work out of my home, and not with a bunch of stylists at my beck and call, it's fairly easy for me to ignore my own hair. Some how it got really long, and now I'm really bored.

I've had my fair share of styles, lemme show you.

I wore it short like this for many years.

This is the growing out stage which brings me too,

(Yikes!)

(this one makes me look inebriated, but it's just a really goofy expression)

But every time I see this picture of Vance and I, when he was about two, I crave that hair.

Or maybe its my biological clock, or that I'm craving my little boy being little and not almost 6! I don't know. AHHHH!

Adventures in Renovations!

2009-05-14T08:58:00.023-06:00

The last couple weeks have been filled with renovation attempts, in preparation to sell my house. We want to move to a neighbourhood closer to Vance's school, and live in a house that is more like 30 years old vs 900 million years old.

Don't get me wrong, I like my house. I like that it's different, and very open, and that it was Vance's first home. But it is time to move on.

(Kinda like the giant snow flakes we are experiencing right now, in the middle of fucking May, but that's a whole nother story.)

Anycrap, first on the list was removing the Scooby Doo wallpaper border in Vance's bedroom. Which, lemme tell you, was no small feat. I couldn't get all the glue off. Rewind to 6 years ago-There is me putting up said wallpaper border with ex-husband. Me=Giant ~~Fat~~ Pregnant Lady trying to help angry husband apply $200 dollar wallpaper border. Shit didn't go down so well, border didn't stick, angry husband even angrier than before. Giant ~~Fat~~ Pregnant Lady cries. Giant ~~Fat~~ Pregnant Lady hits up Home Depot the next day and arms herself with every kind of wall paper glue known to man. Giant ~~Fat~~ Pregnant Lady applies glue along every edge of wallpaper. Fast forward to the now -Gorgeous Hilarious Mommy (shut it) not able to get glue off. Tries everything from Goo Gone, to Paint thinner, to sanding, to ironing and even crying. Eff it. We'll just paint over it. The color "White Sand" is applied after many coats of primer. Done. (sorry, no pictures)

Note to new owners-if you want a house that is perfect, don't buy my 900 million year old house. Thanks.

Second on the list was bathtub refinishing (isn't it pretty in the picture?), and I am kicking myself for not taking pictures of the disgusting state my bathtub has been in for, oh, 8 years. It came that way. I kept hoping that some day I would install a new tub. Never happened. So I just kept bathing myself and my son in a rusty tub. I pretended it wasn't rusty buy applying a green bathmat to the worn off area. So on Tuesday, The Tub Guy came (that's his name) and he sanded, chemical'd, chemical'd some more, painted, painted some more and caulked. All while I tried to keep busy and not get too high off the fumes. It's freakin amazing, internets. I can not believe I waited this long. My bathing experience last night was religious. For realz. Now I don't even wanna move. (Just kidding Christian!)

Vance-what are you doing Mom?
Me-taking a picture of the new tub with you in it! Cover your privates please.
Vance-CHEESE!

Now we have some flooring to install in my salon. I cleaned up the mess of a paint job that was done after my little sister told me she could paint my salon in a week (even though I didn't want it painted!). She was, like, 19 at the time and thought she, like, knew everything (didn't we all)! Turns out, she didn't know how to use masking tape. Oops. (Love you Michelle!) Anycrap, I got all the paint off the ceiling with some elbow grease and some chemicals. Plus I did some touch ups. It actually looks pretty good now.

Many little things need to be done before we list it for sale. We got the biggest jobs out of the way, so it should be smooth sailing now.

Stay tuned!

I hope he doesn't tattoo "Mom" on his bicep.

2009-05-10T20:23:00.021-06:00

Did everyone have a nice Mother's Day?

I did!

Vancey Pants gave me the rest of my Mother's Day gift yesterday afternoon. Three pairs of earrings that he picked out all by himself, with his Dad. ~~Who probably laughed inside all weekend~~

Check out the pair that I wore in the car this morning, and into Tim Horton's for coffee?

Don't be jealous.

I left them on the dash in my car, so that I can put them back on before I pick him up this afternoon.

They made me think about all the ugly shit I bought my Mom over the years. I remember this sweater that I bought her for Christmas with my own money, it was a big woolly knit thing with a giant flower on the front. I thought it was the shit. Just like Vance thinks the shiny ~~hooker~~ stars with chains are the most amazing things ever.

Father's Day is coming soon. Any ideas for us? I need to let Vance loose in a great store so that he can pick his Dad's gift as well. All by himself. Maybe we'll just go back to the earring store. I bet an ear cuff would look really good!

Mother's Day

2009-05-08T17:19:00.010-06:00

Vance had a bunch of presents for me when I picked him up today. He made a Mother's Day gift at school, he made one at his daycare, and he bought one with his Dad. He gave me both the handmade items and he hid the present that he bought for me because he wants to save it for Sunday. (Even though on Wednesday he told me what my gift is, but said "Don't tell Dad I told you, K?") He's having a hard time waiting until Sunday for this last gift. I keep changing the subject in hopes that he will forget about it.

My gifts so far, for your viewing pleasure. (This is a big deal, peeps! He hates crafts!)

I decided that I would surprise the kid with a McDonald's trip. So I when I picked him up, I told him he could pick where we would go for dinner and he said "Subway! I don't want McDonald's." That's my boy.

Ps. He had no idea I was recording him. (What? It's totally not creepy at all!)

After we were done eating, he tells me he had subway with his Dad last night and that he is super excited to go again for lunch tomorrow after he gets his first karate belt. What?

Subway, three days in a row! It could be worse, right?

Running

2009-05-07T14:54:00.008-06:00

So, ya'll know that treadmill I was telling you guys about? That one that I bought with my Sears card? The one that Christian so lovingly assembled for me one Saturday afternoon ~~before we got really drunk on wine~~ ? Well, I love it! I should have just sucked it up two years ago, when I wanted one.

I have been running 2 miles, 5 days a week and I feel great. I am also getting very caught up on my TV shows! Plus, so far, I have not fell off the thing even one time. Yay me!

(Still doing my hip hop classes once a week. Which, by the way, do not seem to be helping me look sexier when I dance. What the? I should get a refund.)

Anyways, for motivational purposes only, I am going to say this out loud (or type it, whatev). I am going to run a 10K in August with my sister Stacey. She is probably going to run the half marathon, ~~and be done before I'm done my 10K~~ , so we won't actually run together. But that's ok with me! It's Sunday August 16th.

So there ya have it. I said it. Now I have to do it. I have three months!

Ps. On Saturday night Christian and I were out with a group of friends for beverage consumption purposes. At about 1:30am, I decided that I had had enough and was going to cab home and leave Christian with his buddies. So he hailed me a cab (someone actually asked him if he thought he was in NYC or something, bahahaha). The cabby was very friendly and chatty. I told him that I will be 30 this month and that I have wrinkles. Remember, I was a little tipsy ( don't judge me). Well, Mr. Cabby told me that wrinkles are beautiful especially if they are from smiling. He also told me that I have lovely skin. The cab ride was 8 dollars. I tipped him 6.

Check out the acting.

2009-05-03T20:08:00.003-06:00

Mr. McLoud Pants

2009-05-01T09:39:00.023-06:00

Things are different around our house since Mr. McLoud Pants started his new job. He has to get up at about 6AM for work. He starts at 7. I, however, do not start work until 8 (at the earliest). Roles are reversed, peeps. It used to be me that had to get up and get ready while Christian was all cozy in bed. He didn't need to get up until just before I was leaving for work because all he had to do was get up, dress, brush his teeth, take a leak, and grab his lunch. That should only take 3.4 seconds.

Here is a rundown of a typical morning, now.

5:45-My clock radio starts blaring, I hit snooze.
5:53-Christian's obnoxious phone alarm goes off at full volume.
5:54-My clock radio starts blaring, I hit snooze.
6:00-Christian's obnoxious phone alarm goes off at full volume.
6:03-My clock radio starts blaring, I tell Christian to get up.
6:09-Christian gets up.

(I am now wide awake)

Christian-fart. Stomp to bathroom.
Christian-toilet lid slams.
Christian-comes in bedroom to ~~scrape my face with facial hair and drool on my cheek~~ hug and kiss me.
Christian-fart.
Christian-gets dressed, then stomps back to bathroom.
Christian-toilet lid slams.
Christian-bathroom cabinet door slams.
Christian-gagging(or dry heaving, I'm not sure) sound as he is brushing his teeth.
Christian-Stomp stomp stomp.
Christan-fridge door slams.
Christian-cup slams on counter.
Christian-burp.
Christan-fridge door slams again.
Christian-stomps back into bedroom.
Christian-burp.
Christian-fart.
Christian-drops his belt on the floor. It sounds like thunder to me, at this point.

Me-"You are fucking loud!"
Me-"I'm going to blog about you today."

Christian- More ~~mauling~~ hugging.

Christian-slams front door as he leaves.

6:30AM-Finally, silence.

Another post for the grandparents!

2009-04-30T08:09:00.012-06:00

Vance learned how to ride his two wheeler about a week and a half ago! He is quite proud of himself. This video was from last night before dinner. You'll notice that he is more concerned with watching the video, after its done, than he is with the actual biking.

And here's another cheesy grin for ya,

After dinner, we went to the movie theatre and saw Earth. It was amazing to watch on the big screen. There were a few scenes that were a bit hard to watch (hunters vs their prey), Vance covered his eyes, but it's all part of nature right?

Potty Pictures

2009-04-29T09:55:00.010-06:00

Yes, I took these pictures at work in the ladies room. So what?

I'm not sure if the maintenance staff is trying to "idiot proof" the whole bathroom experience, or what. They might just be confusing most of the non English speaking employees though (they make up about 40% of the manufacturing dept). I wonder if it was paper towel and tampons that caused this?

This is the newest addition to the washrooms, and they even attached a sign to it. Note to self~flush toilet seat cover.

~Do not flush paper towel though!

~Or tampons!

~Oh and don't forget to wash your hands.

I think we need a "No Shirt, No Service!" sign in there too. Yesterday I came out of a stall to find a half naked woman changing at the sinks. WTF? There were like 10 empty stalls in there.

Oh, and I tried to talk one of my male coworkers into taking pictures in the men's room, I've heard there are some pretty cool signs like;

-No gum in the urinals.
-No peeing on the urinal puck.

See, that's funny shit. But now he just thinks I'm a creepy pervert.

Whatevs.

What the hell should I blog about?

2009-04-28T15:02:00.014-06:00

I got nothin, so I'll bore you with my day to day shit.

Um...Oooh, I know! I finally got that treadmill that I have been wishing for, for like two freakin years! I decided to suck it up and to Sears it up. Thank you, Sears, for equal payment plans. I love me some Sears.

So on Saturday we borrowed a truck to go pick up the beast. I was kinda proud of myself for helping Christian get it in the house. It weighs a shit ton, peeps.

After we dropped it on the living room floor, we took advantage of the truck and had a date at the city dump (ew, not that kind of date you dirties.). Nothin says lovin like tossing vacuums and windows in the trash, I tell ya.

Then........~~go away if you're bored~~.......Christian assembled the machine while I ~~tossed most of his shit out~~ clean up the bedroom, since that's where it has to be until we move. This only took us 4 hours. Good thing we didn't open the bottle of wine until after we finished, otherwise we may not have completed the job.

Anycrap, we had Happy Meals and wine and then headed out to the dirty bar (ya know, that one where we met) for a birthday party. We brought one of my BFFs along. Its way more fun ~~making an ass of yourself~~ socializing when you have a good friend along.

And because I am turning 30 in one month, I felt it appropriate to tell a young man that he should shove his underwear back into his pants so that people would stop confusing him for Eminem. He thanked me for my wise words and then pulled his pants down to his knees and proceeded to moon me.

If I wasn't so drunk on shooters, vodka, and guwertztraminer (That word is the only part of this whole post that makes me sound sophisticated), I totally would have taken a picture with my cell phone. But I would have probably sent a text that said "I love you" to some chick Christian works with by mistake.

We wouldn't want to do that shit, again.

More pictures, I know how you love them.

2009-04-22T08:57:00.016-06:00

You might not remember the issues that I had last year with the safety committee guy and his desire to ~~ruin my life~~ keep me safe.

Catch up here, I'll wait.

(Hurry up, I hate waiting!)

Ok so it's nice out again, and that means that the fugly work shoes are put away and my flip flops are back!

Ta da!

But don't worry internets. Remember Mr. QA guy? He was over here in my department just a few minutes ago. So I busted out my cell phone camera and got my "in your face!"ammo for the next time someone tries to ~~fuck with me~~ keep my feet safe. Plus, he's wearing shorts! Shorts are not allowed either! Booya!

(omg, I can't believe I just said that.)

After my phone clicked as loud as it possibly could, I said something rude and gave him a dirty look to distract from the fact that I had just taken a picture like some creepy pervert.

It totally worked!

What do you think?

2009-04-21T09:26:00.004-06:00

My sister, the Boston Marathon-er! Woot Woot!

"Training for a marathon is an act of faith. Actually running the marathon is an act of courage. With faith and courage, ordinary humans can accomplish great things!" Randy Essex

Boston Marathon and my 100th Post.

2009-04-20T10:05:00.006-06:00

For those of you that are new, read this if you are confused.

My sister is nearing her 20K mark as I type this. I keep trying to find live coverage of the marathon but I'm at work, and some asshole IT guy removed all the fun stuff from my PC that enabled me to watch TV. What-ev-er!

Ps. She raised $6500 for Diabetes!

If you are interested in tracking her progress yourself, go here. Her bib number is 15767.

GO STACEY!

My two kids.

2009-04-17T09:52:00.009-06:00

So, my kiddo was diagnosed with Asthma yesterday. We took him for allergy testing because we knew there were some issues. I wasn't expecting them to say Asthma, though.

Vance was so brave for his allergy test. The results show that he is allergic to cats, dogs, tree pollen and molds..which pretty much trigger Asthma. It was interesting to watch his arm after they poked all the allergens into his skin. Poor kid was so itchy that they had to give him some allergy meds pretty quickly after the test. That seemed to help, as well as the GI Joe set he picked out at Walmart for his bravery present, lol. He really doesn't seemed phased by the fact that he has asthma, he's too young to understand. So hopefully we can manage it well with controller medicines, and limited exposure to the allergens. The trees and mold will be a bit difficult, but the animal allergies we are working on.

The ex and I have had our dog for almost 10 years, her name is Mosley and she is a German Shepard/Collie mix. She is basically the best dog ever. We have decided to leave her to live at his place permanently so that only one of our places has any animal dander. This will limit his exposure big time. I cried when I thought about it yesterday, though. It breaks my freakin heart.

Even Christian became attached to Mosley. There won't be any other like her. I think we'll have to plan some dog park trips and special visits.

Ps. I don't beat the guy, that's a hockey injury in the above picture.

It's a new day, my friends!

2009-04-15T10:09:00.016-06:00

Christian started his new job this week, and today was the first day he had to be up and ready to go by 6:30am. For those of you that know Christian, you know that he is ~~an asshole in the morning~~ not a morning person. I have to say I'm quite ~~shocked~~ impressed with him today. I only had to tell him once to get up, and then I lounged in bed while he got himself ready (It was a Vance-less morning). So different! Usually I wake him before I leave.....or he sleeps til noon (like the last 4 weeks)! I didn't get out of bed until after 7 this morning. It was delightful.

Right after he was let go, he sent me a text message to let me know that he was packing up his stuff. I was driving home from work. I tried calling him immediately, but he sent me a message back saying he couldn't talk at the moment but that I should stop freaking out. Apparently he knows me well.

He came in the back door that night, and we both kind of nervously grinned at each other. The first words out of his mouth were "Are you ok?". He asked me if I was ok, and he was the one that was let go. Man, I love him. He also told me we'd be just fine and not to worry.

The night of the big layoff, we went to a beer night. While there, one of Christian's friends asked me "So, how does it feel to be the bread winner now?" (Insert friend's heinous laughter here.) That scared the crap out of me. Breadwinner? Me? Uh..I win enough bread to pay my mortgage and take care of my kiddo and myself, not two adults. I panicked and imagined living off of Kraft dinner and sharing bath water.

(KIDDING, that's freakin gross! But, still, I worried.)

Within two weeks of the layoff, Christian had landed himself an interview AND they hired him on the spot. That was a really good day, internets.

I'm pretty proud of my man today.

Longest blog post about nothing, ever!

2009-04-13T09:27:00.015-06:00

We had a full weekend, internets! Thursday night gave us a good start to my our 3 day weekend. We went and had drinks with friends and then had a get together over at our place to play Loaded Questions-Adult Edition. The original is pretty fun, but this is even funnier. I would give you some examples, but I might scare some of the parental units that read this blog. It's amazing how much you learn about the ~~creepy perverts~~ people that you call your friends

Friday morning ~~I had to drag Christian out of bed by his teeth~~ we had to get up early and drive to Moose Jaw. Christian decided about 30 mins into the drive that he HAD to stop and find a men's room. So we drive into some small ass podunk town to find that the gas station isn't even open. It's Good Friday, duh. So we headed to the next town which was about 20Km away. It took 3.4 mins. Not sure what the rush was..jeez.

Once in Moose Jaw we stopped for lunch at a small little hometown cafe called Carol's. Carol is about 96 years old. We stood at the front of the restaurant waiting for them to finally clear a table for us. There was a table at the back that seemed to be a good size for us, and the guy had just left, so we head over there to sit down since we had two 5 year olds that were in desperate need of fuel. This is the conversation we hear.

Carol- I think he just went outside for a smoke, actually.
Employee #2- Who was he?
Carol- Oh, you know, that deaf guy.
Employee#2-Oh. Well, he can sit somewhere else.

Moose Jaw, ladies and gentlemen.

The rest of the trip consisted of rushing around from one set of Grandparents, to the other. We went out for dinner with my Mom's parents for their 61rst wedding anniversary, and spent some time with them in their new retirement castle. Christian and I brought our air mattress with us so we could sleep in their empty house, since the retirement castle doesn't have enough room for all of us. Vance and Mom shared the bed, the only piece of furniture left in the whole house. We ended up back at the empty house at about 8:30pm, and luckily I had thought to bring my portable DVD player so we had some form of entertainment after the kid went to bed. Picture three adults all huddled on the floor watching a 6x4 inch screen.

We woke up in some weird and painfully, contorted, positions because our air mattress had a slow leak. (At least I didn't have to drag Christian out of bed, he was already on the floor, haha!)

Christian and the kids spent a couple hours at my Grandma Mort's place while the ladies did some Main Street shopping. Stacey saw a store that morning on her run, and thought it looked interesting and that we should go there because Mom loves blown glass. So that was our first stop. It was called Watch Tower Glass, and it was on High Street. We get there, and the windows are painted over with some kind of colorful cartoon-y looking Moose and it says "Functional Blown Glass Art". There is a sign that says you have to be 18 to enter. I had a funny feeling we were going to walk into a store full of glass sex toys. I was partially right, the store is full of glass pipes, water bongs, and even a few glass knobs. So since we were the only ones in the store and we were not inconspicuous in the slightest, we had to politely look around a bit while we giggled as quietly as possible. Once back outside, we realize that the cartoon-y looking moose had smoke coming out of his mouth. Ahh, High Street, all right.

We returned on Saturday in time to spend the evening with Christan's parents and some Aunts and Uncles. We sat around and watched ~~one million~~ some slides of them when they were kids.

~~Oh shit. Some of them are probably going to read that. Uhh.. Maybe this will make them comment finally. No?~~

(Ok, it wasn't exactly one million slides, and I actually had a lot of fun!)

(No, I'm serious!)

(You can tell, can't you?)

Last night, after dinner.....

2009-04-09T08:52:00.005-06:00

....Christian finishes a conversation on the phone and then joins me in the kitchen.

Him: Honey, I have a chance to play hockey again tonight at 9.

Me: Oh good! That means you have a chance to practice not pissing me off by actually coming home before 5am this time.

Him: Exactly.

A story, in pictures.

2009-04-08T14:06:00.020-06:00

Silly me, internets. Silly, silly me.

I had all these grandiose images in my mind when Christian said I'd have me some "House Husband". (And by the way, those were his words, not mine.)

Images kinda like these ones,

or even this one...

Instead, I mostly got these..

Thank God Christian goes back to work next week! ~~so that we don't have to get a fake divorce.~~

I think it's about time you delurk, no?

2009-04-01T13:13:00.011-06:00

I have Google Analytics. I know you're out there, and there are many of you!

~~WOOHOO!~~

Why won't you comment? ~~Dad, I know you're reading this.~~ Don't you like me?

~~Of course you do.~~

Keywords that brought you to my blog include;

mice poo
kiss my ripped denim ass
maytag dryer
dead mice in my hockey equipment (Christian, was that you?)
kate puck and smells (This one is very weird, say it really fast though!)
linsey hockey puck
moisturized town
mormon pregnant
polygamist kids shopping
puck bunny drink
smelly pizza face
she's a cougar (Screw you, I am not!)
stand up comedy mormons speak chinese
what is the religious day called lint (Ha! lint.)
what do you call a male puck bunny (Gay.)

Huh. Maybe I need some new material? Lots of pucks and mormons.

So, because some people ~~are illiterate~~ only like stories with pictures, I will give you this.

The exact moment that I said to Christian "The world should be moisturized."

I've got nothin today.

2009-03-31T14:12:00.001-06:00

She was fierce!

2009-03-30T09:31:00.010-06:00

I went to see Beyonce on Friday night. My Mom was given some free tickets and so she took me and my sister and a friend of mine. (Thanks Ma!) I was slightly embarrassed to tell anyone that I was going to go to that concert. Partly because she sings songs that include words like "Bootylicious" and "Freakum Dress" and some shit about not being ready for this jelly? What?

But it was the most amazing concert that I have ever been to. I have a whole new appreciation for Mz. Beyonce. Wow. She has an amazing strong voice, and she can dance and sing at the same time. Never a bored moment that night. Plus, her whole band is made up of women (Girl Power!). The only men that were in her show were dancing. They had nekkid washboard abs, and wore hoods that shadowed their faces (Let's be honest, who's lookin at their faces anyways?)

The second most entertaining part of the evening was the people watching. I cannot belieeeeve the outfits that we saw at the concert. Not the outfits on stage, internets, the outfits on young girls. (AND girls my age and older, for that matter. ) What are we thinking ladies? I mean, I can't even go to a concert in flip flops and not fall on my ass. (haha, remember that shit Stacey?) Plus, it's not even really spring yet. And these girls are wearing 7 inch stilettos along with dresses that hardly cover their front door, never mind the back! Beyonce was more covered up than a lot of the girls at her concert.

Um, I think this post may have just aged me a smidge.

Tell me something

2009-03-27T09:10:00.004-06:00

Do you think I have pink eye?

(I saw Knocked Up. No jokes allowed!)

My boss gets all freaked out if he thinks any of us have eye infections and makes us leave for the day. He's terrified of getting it himself.

I might have to wear sunglasses for the rest of the day! Afterall, I am the breadwinner now.

I'm joking!

(Not really.)

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-03-26T13:19:00.007-06:00

Ya, I know, it's not actually Valentine's Day.

It is for me, though.

See what I got....

Wanna know why?

(Of course you do! This blog is nothing if it's not full of sarcastic, funny stories about the love that Christian and I share.)

Ok then, I'll tell you the story about the poor, misguided boyfriend. It's ok though internets, you don't need to feel bad for him. He's learning.

(The hard way.)

So the night before Valentine's Day (a Friday night), Christian went out for "a beer" with his friend. And, by the way, that statement is at the end of its rope for me. As if, a beer? Seriously. Let's just be honest here. He should probably just say, "I'm going out for 12-15 beers, and then I'm going to come home slobbering drunk. I'll probably wake you up, fart a whole bunch and then snore really loud. Oh, and I might breathe my hot, beer breath on your face too."

Anyways, I digress.

So let's just say that Christian came home when most people are getting out of bed for work. I had put out his little V-Day gift before I went to bed. (A one hour massage and a card.) That morning Vance and I left the house for hockey and whatever else we had to do that day. When I came home, really mad, at 4pm he was camped out on the couch. His gift was still sitting there untouched. I ~~barked~~ told him to open his ~~stupid~~ gift before we left the house at 6pm. We were going out for dinner and a movie with my sister and her date. Which I had planned for us. Christian couldn't even partake in a glass of wine with dinner, because he was still hungover from that "one beer" he drank the night before.

Anyways, after ~~I yelled at him~~ we talked it out, he said to me "You'll get your Valentine's Day, yet."

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

( Shut up. I love him.)

Tim Horton is a liar.

2009-03-23T11:10:00.012-06:00

He says all I have to do is roll up my rim to win.

Every day I think to myself "This will be my day, I'm gonna win a Toyota Venza!"

Instead, I get this bullshit message. "PLEASE PLAY AGAIN"

Not even a free coffee. I have consumed 64 coffees in 10 days . My vision is blurred, my heart races, and I haven't slept for 6 days.

Of course I'll fucking play again.

Our Vacation

2009-03-23T08:47:00.032-06:00

~~Screw you~~ Sorry if you think this post is random, but this is all I've got on a Monday.

(There's pictures!)

We arrived late afternoon. We were so happy to be there! We drank beers on our patio, unpacked our suitcases and headed to the ocean! It was so windy and dark that first day, it even rained a little bit. We couldn't have cared less though, because we weren't freezing our asses off. Finally!

After dipping our toes in the ocean, we headed for dinner, which led to nap time (the first of many). We both assumed we'd have a little snooze and then we'd be good to go. We woke up hours later, and it was almost 1 am. So started our vacation tradition. We napped every day. That way we would be ready to socialize and drink all inclusive booze until wee hours of the morning.

Most of our days consisted of me getting up and trying to claim a couple of chairs. (For any of you that have not been at an all inclusive, you basically have to get up early and mark your territory with towels, books, and sunscreen. Every one does it, and if you don't you probably won't have a chair for the day.) Which brings me to the story of the couple from ~~assholeville~~ Spain that stole our chairs and our towels one morning. We get to the pool to find them making out and groping each other all over our towels. They obviously don't know "chair etiquette". PFT. Like I want my towel back after someone rubbed their bum all over it.

(So, instead, I had to bully the front reception staff into giving me two more towel cards.)

On our third night, we made sure to have a good nap to prepare our "thirty something" bodies for a night of drinking and making friends. We got to the outdoor bar and immediately joined in a game of American vs Canadian Tip Cup. (Shut up, we weren't the oldest people to partake in the game.)

Tip Cup led to more drinking and meeting more people. We ended up with a girl from Calgary and a guy from Hamilton. I don't remember their names. The girl was kinda trashy, though, and the guy was just trying to get some of that trashiness. If you catch what I mean. Anycrap, Trailer Park Barbie wanted to go to the disco. Everybody seemed to end up the disco, which was two resorts over, so we decided to check it out. Well, we kinda got lost on the way, and then Christian had to take a detour to hurl in the bushes. He told us to keep going and he'd catch up. ( As if I am going to leave my boyfriend alone in the bushes and follow some strangers.) So I tell them to go, and I stand with him while he heaves.

Him: Honey, you came back for me! I can't believe you came back for me. Aww..you came back to hold my hair.

Once ~~pukey~~ Christian is good to go, we continue our extra long trek and finally find the disco. It's filled with locals and hookers. Great. The Dominican guys would be all over me and Trailer Park Barbie anytime it looked as if we were alone. The place was super sketchy, so we left, after I talked TPB into leaving. She was actually enjoying all the dudes trying to rub up against her.

The rest of the trip we drank at the pool bar during the day, played in the ocean, and stayed away from the disco at night. It was an amazing trip.

We went parasailing on our last day. I'm glad I did it, and I didn't cry even, but I have no desire to ever do it again. Christian and I went together, they made me sit in front. I think I would have been more scared up there alone.

At least, if I was going to crash onto the beach, I had the love of my life to share it with!

Adventures in Flying

2009-03-18T09:10:00.010-06:00

We flew home from the Dominican on Friday the 13th (I know!). I was really excited because Christian and I actually had seats next to each other.

On the way to the Dominican we weren't at the airport early enough to get side by side seats. The best the agent could do was two aisle seats, one in front of the other. Christian was in front of me, and I'll be honest, I used that to my advantage. Had it been some stranger in front of me I would not have put my feet on the seat, or my knees especially. I think I pissed him off though, because at one point he flung his body ~~like a freaking 3 year old~~ so hard on the seat that he almost shattered my ~~overly sensitive feelings~~ knee cap.

You know what though? Karma is a bitch, internets, and I'll tell you why. After we arrived in the Dominican, I made jokes about a very obese woman from our flight who would hit people in the face with her ass every time she would leave her seat to use the washroom. Christian slept through most of that flight so he didn't even notice all the ass to head butting that had gone down. (And before you get all pissy because I made fun of an obese person, shut it. Until you get slapped in the face by a stranger's ass meat, don't talk to me.) Anycrap, we get on the flight to head ~~back to hell~~ home and Christian gives me the window seat, and he takes the middle one. Just as we are getting all comfy, guess who sits next to Christian? Yup, head-butt-her. THEN, the row ahead of us gets filled up with a mother, two little boys, and an eighteen month-ish baby girl cries for the next hour while my ears bleed. What a way to end a week of bliss.

Anyways, we're home now. We're both pretty tanned for a couple of pasty kids, and there were no sun burns to speak of.

We received some bad news yesterday and we're both still processing it. (No one died though so don't send flowers, unless you really want to.) ~~I like pink roses.~~

My next post will most likely be about fun vacation topics, like rum (which may or may not include barfing), parasailing, snorkeling, and meeting some pretty ~~dumb~~ interesting people.

I bet you can't wait!

2009-03-09T09:38:00.003-06:00

Hi Internets! I`m having a lovely vacation and I never want to leave!

We are going to have to go shopping today because somehow Christian only managed to pack two shirts. He was too busy making fun of all the shit I was bringing.

And let me tell you, I brought half of what I normally bring. I made a decision to pack lightly and I did a great job, thank you very much!

Anycrap, Christian is wearing the same shit in all of our pictures because he only packed two t-shirts.

Now he only has one left, because last night he spilled rum and coke all over it.

Him- Blah, blah, blah. I could fit all my stuff in a carry on. I want to see all the stuff that you didn´t wear at the end of this vacation!

Me- Nice coke stain, hot stuff.

One More Sleep!

2009-03-05T09:37:00.002-07:00

We leave tomorrow morning!

I have that anxious, excitement feeling in my belly. Can't wait!

See you in a week babies!

Girly Day

2009-03-02T09:48:00.010-07:00

After Vance's hockey on Saturday, Quinn and I had a special "Auntie and Me" afternoon. Just the two of us.

We went to Walmart first. I was in heaven. There was no "I don't want to be here!" or "Buy me this!" or any "Can we go now?". Quinn and I floated through the clothing sections and pointed out our favorite colors, and told each other which shirts we liked the best. We came across a sale rack with a size small pink tank top, covered in sequins. It was four bucks. Quinn was enamored with it, so Auntie bought it. Along with a Little Mermaid book that she was quite impressed with. She was so good in Walmart that I wanted to just keep buying her stuff. HAHA! Anyways, the tank top is actually a women's size small so I altered it with my awesome ~~shitty~~ sewing skillz when we got home. I'm sure my sister got a good laugh out of it anyways.

After Walmart, we headed to the spa close to my house. Quinn had her first manicure while Auntie had her toe nails painted. It was really sweet. She didn't say much, but she smiled the whole time.

On another noted, the lady that did my nails is middle eastern, so her english is a bit choppy. She was my "special" waxing lady last year, ya know, special..if you catch my drift. I stopped waxing in the summer because she's expensive, and I'm trying to be less "high maintenance". (What? Shut up, waxing hurts!) I was a bit uncomfortable when we walked in and I realized that she was going to be doing my pedicure. I had hoped that she wouldn't remember me, but of course she totally did.

Her: How come you not come for wax anymore?

Me: Well, I don't wax anymore.

Her: Why not? You shave now?

Me: Uhhh..well..uhh..no..I guess I'm just lazy now.

Her: You come back and see me, don't be lazy.

Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?

2009-02-27T10:09:00.011-07:00

Who else thinks their parents majorly effed up by birthing them in countries with snow, and -freeze your limbs off- cold temperatures?

(If you live anywhere that does not have snow and you still call it "cold", do not comment... because I don't like you and I might call you a pussy.)

Seriously, I wasn't supposed to be born here. I was born with flip flops on my feet. True story.

I. hate. it. here.

Ps. This post may or may not be completely driven by raging PMS.

Bring home fruit flavoured tequila, please!

2009-02-26T09:33:00.027-07:00

One more week of work and then it's Punta Cana, babies! Thank God, because it's a balmy -32C today.

My mom and sister are in Mexico right now so we have had my niece all week, who is also 5. Vance and her are quite happy to be having a "big" sleep over.

(And, I haven't had to drug them even once to get them to sleep. They do it all on their own!)

(Stace-we must be great mothers.. or some shit.)

Anycrap, everything has gone pretty swell so far. It's easy to tell that I am a mother of a boy, though. Girls are a whole nother ball game, lemme tell ya!

Me: Quinn, here is your outfit for tomorrow morning.

Quinn:((stares at me like I'm the retarded Auntie)) I would like different pants.... and a different shirt.

Me: Ok. ((Tucking her in)). Night sweetie, have a good sleep. Love you. ((Hugs))

Quinn: I have to have a pony tail for bed.

And, this is more like the conversation I am used to.....

Me: Vance, put this ~~shit~~ outfit on.

Vance: ((running around naked while laughing)) I can't, I'm invisible right now!

Yesterday we went grocery shopping. When we were at Safeway, they were fighting to be the closest to me. At one point, both of them were basically hanging off of me. So I stopped quickly, and they both ran face first into my butt . Then I told them to stop grabbing my ass.

Kids these days.

I must, I must, I must increase my bust!

2009-02-23T09:32:00.010-07:00

I got this book for Christmas.

It's nothing like Judy Blume's "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret."

(Which reminds me, it looks like Margaret's boob exercise totally worked for me. See post title.)

Chelsea made me laugh a lot. Each chapter is a short story about some ridiculous part of her life. Like, for example, when she takes her Dad on a vacation to Costa Rica, and refers to him as "Bitch Tits" and "Shamu".

She's a stand up comedian and has a talk show that I've not seen yet, but I used to watch her on Oxygen a few years ago. She was on a show called Girls Behaving Badly. Kind of like that show "Jackass", except they were all women, and they weren't quite as disgusting and retarded as the Jackass boys.

Anycrap, I was so sad when I was done reading this book. So I ordered up her other book, "My Horizontal Life"

This book is all about her one night stands, and other sex-capades that turned into semi relationships.

I'm not sure if she is in a relationship now, but what a nightmare that would be for her significant other. No one wants to think about their "Love" sleeping with someone else, let alone reading it in a book!

Which brings me to another thought. Well, actually, a question.

What do you think is acceptable when it comes to speaking to ex-significant others and ex-one night standers when you have a current significant other? Can men and women truly be friends? Especially after they've done the sexy time?

Give me your opinions please!

Love is what I got for you

2009-02-20T12:09:00.003-07:00

Me: OMG, I can't wait to bitch about my work day later.

Christian- Me neither. lol

Me: I don't need your fake fucking enthusiasm.

I don't need a life, I have a TV.

2009-02-18T08:28:00.034-07:00

I bought us Christian a wireless adapter for the Xbox for his birthday in January. This means that he can stream all of my his downloaded content through the TV. It's fantastic.

I now have all 10 seasons of Beverly Hills 90210. (Shut up!) Christian also has a bunch of his ~~crappy~~ movies and shows too.

We've been downloading a lot of movies as well. We could probably cancel the cable, and ~~I would never have to watch hockey again~~ save money!

(Just kidding honey, I love hockey.........)

(**Especially when you cheer really loudly and scare me and the dog into hiding.)

I have been trying to come up with a list of movies for Vance as well. I was really excited last week when I noticed there was a new Disney movie out. It's called "The Secret of the Magic Gourd" So I found the torrent and downloaded it. The next night, Vance and I got all cozy on the couch and began watching the movie. I thought it seemed a little weird at first when most of the speaking was in Chinese, but then I thought, "Forget this creepy living pumpkin thingy, what's up with all the Chinese people?" I left Vance to go and research what I had done. Turns out the movie was made in 2007 by Disney and some Chinese company. It was just released, last week, with the English dubbed over. Oops. So I had downloaded the original Chinese version. (Ok, so I might be new at this whole bit torrent crap!) It was too late though because he was already right into it. He said "It's ok Mom, I never get to watch Chinese movies." So, I ~~went to sleep~~ sucked it up and we sat and watched the whole movie in Chinese. At one point he said to me "Mom, I think Christian should watch this with us, because he probably knows what they are saying." That was pretty cute. He knows Christian speaks French, so he thought that he could speak Chinese too.

(**Sometimes Christian actually thinks he can speak Chinese, but that's only after he's consumed rum.)

Got have any movie suggestions for us?

**No boyfriends were actually harmed in the making of this blog post.

Just call me Missy Lolly Sixx from now on

2009-02-11T12:14:00.027-07:00

Ya, so, that's my new hip hop name. You betta recognize!

Wow, that was so dorky. Anyways.....

My last strip hop class was last night. I'm pretty happy to be done ~~looking like an asshat~~ with it. I'm sore today. She told us the last class would be the most difficult. I just really didn't believe her, because she looks like this.

**Ps. The girl on the very left may or may not be the actual instructor.

It was the most sexy looking routine so far. (Ok, so, it would have been, had we not looked like a bunch of retards.) I think I put my back out and pulled a friggen neck muscle with all the hair flipping, and shit. Thank God I am not aspiring to be a hip hop stripper! (Is there even such a thing?) Those bitches have it rough.

"Today's strippers ain't got no soul!"

I've been committed to participating in two classes a week. One at the hip hop place, and one at ~~TortureRUs~~ Clubmynx. So last Wednesday morning I slept in too late to make the 6am class. To make up for it, I went to a class after work on Thursday. Remember how I said I turn red when I work out? Well this was a whole nother level of redness, let me tell you.

(Yes, I know that "nother" is not a real word.)

(Screw you all. I ain't no illiterate!)

Anycrap, this class was called "Sweat Express". Um, they should really call it "Get Your Fat Ass In Here And Work It Off, Or We Will Yell At You!".

Tomorrow I have a class called "Lovely Legs". WTF does that mean, how do you get lovely legs in one hour? I can only imagine.

I hate birds, and you should too.

2009-02-05T09:20:00.012-07:00

I am totally scared of birds.

Most of my life, my Grandma Mort had birds. First it was a budgie named Charlie, then there was Charlie 2, and then there was Charlotte. You get the picture. Fucking birds, all the fucking time. They were all the same though. They made annoying sounds, and if you let them out of the cage they flew around, all crazy like, and usually hit the picture window with a loud thud.

I'm not sure why I have this fear. The thought of a bird flapping around my head, and getting caught in my hair, gives me the chills.

It's never even happened before. At least if it had, I'd have an excuse. Like my Mom. She has an excuse. She was attacked by a mean crow when she was a kid. Me, nothing. Unless you consider moths to be bird like. But you probably don't.

My dog, Mosley, used to catch birds in her mouth when she was younger. My old backyard had these caragana bushes. The birds liked to hang out in those bushes, which made it super easy for Mo. She could pluck those birds out of the bushes with her mouth. She really thought she was playing with them. Except she'd kill them eventually from all the pouncing and chewing. I don't know why I always tried to save the birds, but I did. You'd see me flailing around in the backyard, chasing after her, yelling at her to drop it. DROP IT! She would eventually drop the bird, and then I would run away for fear of it trying to hide out in my hair. As I would be running away, Mo would get excited again and slam her paw down on the bird, and put it back in her mouth. Rinse and repeat. She thought we were all playing. I managed to save some of those birds, at least.

Mosley had a little kiddie paddling pool in the backyard. She would walk through it to cool off. She would drink from it. But most importantly, she put her favourite toys in it. He soccer ball, her squeaky burger, and sometimes her new pet birdy.

One day, I came home from work and there was a black bird in the pool trying to get out. Mo had put it there. Instead of scooping it out, I ran into the houes and tried to pretend it wasnt there. I kept telling myself that it could get out of the pool on its own. (Can you imagine me trying to scoop that thing out of the pool with a shovel? I would have been crying and screaming and I probably would have tripped during my escape and maybe knocked myself out or something. It was just safer this way.)

Ya, so, anycrap.... it kinda died in the pool that day. Oops.

(And I'm only slightly ashamed.)

(But not really. I hate birds.)

How do you like me now?

2009-02-03T10:55:00.007-07:00

Thanks to Casey, I have a new blog design and I love it!

The best part, you ask? (Other than the totally new spanky design, of course!) She did it for free! I won a contest on another blog.

Man, I love free shit.